Thursday 13 August 2009

Just coming madam...

See I went from Madras to Madrid and many people thought it had a poetic ring to it. It was destiny you come from madras and move to madrid How can Mad be anything poetic . In Madrid you understand MaƱana can mean today , tomorrow , next month or never . Right there it finsihes . They have no intention of coming you have no expectation they will . If and when they do you know every minute they are there it costs you a lot of money so you tolerate broken taps , washing machine that moves front and back while washing clothes. a drier that spews hot air into the room rather than on your clothes and the list grows... In Madras they never say anything as vague as tomorrow , it is always time specific ... madam we are just coming... that means hope unlimited .
I once ordered a dish washer and waited for its arrival. The man was to come at 12 . At around 12.45 I called Sar where are you... madam I am just coming... Ok . So how long is just coming ... say ten minutes ok make that thirty . Ok I wait thiry minutes and ten seconds... and call Sar engai sar . madam you just put phone down madam and I am coming only. OK I put phone down that takes what thirty seconds ... and then rush to door ... but where is my man. So I call again but now I dont get through . I get ring tone playing ... Naan Parthathile Aval oruthiya than nalla azhagi enben!! Ok I hang up ... I try again after ten seconds Now I get Ring tone 2 hey nakka muka nakka maukka Adradra Nakku Mukku Nakku Mukku Nakku Mukku Adradra Nakku Mukku Nakku Mukku Nakku Mukku and loop 1 loop 2 loop3 . Ok I go to kitchen splash cold water think I hear door bell and run out... but no dishwasher sar has not made his hero appearance . So I dial.... sar picks up ... I hear heavy traffic then dishwasher sar gets all scrambled and I ask sar ningu enga sar irrikengu ... madam on the way .. OK I am not hanging up smart guy .. Where are you... madam I am in perambur madam and I am just coming ... Yes can you tell me how are you planning this just coming .... you see sar I was not born yesterday.. I have been in respectable 29 C bus . I know that perambur is far from mylapore for you to be just coming. Madam dont get angry madam I will be there . I will be there by today evening latest. What do you mean latest 12 was to be latest.
Madam you see today I am only man on duty for area 3 and area 5 so I have to attend area 3 first as this is under A1 S2 Zone and then..what are you saying A1 S2 ennai ya suma number solra . You see sar now becomes ennaiya ... that is chennai lingo you always start smooth and end up in auto rickshaw lingo. meter plus 2 rs .

Now dishwasher sar is becoming very intelligent madam i am only employee you speak to my boss. Who is your boss - Shivaji the boss or Bruce Sprinsteen the boss . Ok I dont tell this to dishwasher sar I am madam I cant be so rude. So I get boss number . OK here it goes . I get Boss ring tone first . Boss is very Boss so you get special english music . I want to break free. trust me I want to break free and break someone´s head before I do . So Boss picks up . This Is Boss speaking how can I help you . So I start speaking A voice interrupts Press 1 for machine press 2 for powder press 3 for status press 4 go to hell . Ok press 3 woman comes on line can I speak to boss. No No he is Boss madam you speak to me. So who are you I am boss sidekick . Ok ms. sidekick I am waiting for my dishwasher name madam . yes name model number Z 12546 Ok order number XCV65789 See all these number jumbo stuff is to make you quit . so after all this side kick says i will need to place you on hold . Ok I wait then music comes on We at take your patience company value your time . we provide gadgets for the modern woman . a woman who takes pride in the sparkling glasses . In a nutshell a sari wearing bat woman who scales corporate peaks and is always home before husband with hot pakodas and steaming tea and gives cunning look to gadgets. Ok sidekick is back. sorry to have kept you waiting madam ok apology accepted . madam your file number shows that there has been a error processing request so we will need to re process your enquiry and send it to our warehouse . What so how long does this all take . we cant guarantee madam but maybe a week .
What there is a dishwasher of mine running the streets of Perambur and you say error processing. Give me your boss . I dont want to speak to sidekicks. So sidekick first acts all english and mighty . so i decide gloves off see i have been waiting the whole morning for this wonder gadget your guy tells me he is just coming and you say error processing give me your boss since you are not whom i want to speak. sidekick mutters in tamil Yaaru munjila muzhitheno . amen to that
so boss comes on line . boss is major suave madam i see you have a problem . we at take your patience look at solving all problem. we dont say problem we say we see a solution. ok mister cut the crap . I have been to marketing seminars ,so boss makes deep noise and has no idea what the problem is . so i say I give you ten minutes i want to know where my dishwasher is or you know i am calling people in high places. See i dont know anyone in high places but this works especially when you speak very firmly . sidekick immediately says madam your request has been processed and dishwasher will be there in ... as i see it it is crossing kilpauk.
was that meant to be funny
ok kilpauk so i call dishwasher sar .. sar enna sar yen time nallairruka rahukalam kuda aydathau . no madam i am on kilpauk bridge.
what wonderful .
So wonder gadget arrives at 20.00. Poor dishwasher sar comes and says madam boss said high priority , good . he puts the whole gadget everything fine but he has no tube to plug. I say what but sar this is dishwasher you need plug. Yes madam but since it was high priority we only bought machine. by know i am tired i cant take one more ring tone I say please leave.

Next day i am woken up by dishwasher sar he says madam today first visit is your house . oh wont you call before coming I am still in my negligee on which i have put kurta and dupatta . ok these are private thoughts. So all working .Dishwasher sar insists that i try all features. jacuzzi for expensive glass , care program, heavy duty scrub , sensitive spray .massage back rub for bone china .ok madam would you want to sign for AMC. we service free of charge . What one more call ten more ringtones . no sar i have one ring tone for you sodanai mel sodanai porum... . On that note we part as friends .
my dishwasher sar, anda daat buut kathra madam (myself), we know if we were to meet we would be happy to see each other as long as there is no ring tone seperating us

4 comments:

  1. i have a parallel here. it's 'inshallah', means in-your-dreams/sure/if-israel-palestine-issue-is-solved/if-i-can-wake up-tomorrow/never/keep-guessing.
    you not only get used to inshallah, you start using it too. great fun, that kind of ambiguity.

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  2. Madras also has a Manana equivalent, which is "Naaleika". Now this doesn't mean tomorrow which is what it is supposed to mean, or day after or next week or anything time bound. What it actually means is please go away or put down the phone because I don't want to have to deal with you right now!

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  3. @ummon- in spain they have an equivalent. si dios quiere that means if god wants that I think comes staright from Al Andalus and the muslim invasion . if-israel-palestine-issue-is-solved- is a better way of saying NO.
    @ kuri- naaleika yes unless its not tuesday or friday or rahukalam or adi or weather romba mapu sar but with your tamil surely people must be waiting to serve El Tigre ...

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  4. OMG! first time here, You are one hilarious woman..this post had me in splits..off to read the others now.

    and besos (which happens to be all the spanish i know!)

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