The Music season in chennai is slowly coming to its end. When RTp and Kaapi mix with malli and keerai vadai , chennai comes alive for a month of music.
I have been going to the Academy from the time when Nalli´s sent pavadais home on consignment basis and bodice pavadai with a big tuck was the in thing . As a seven year old it was mandatory that I went to all kutcheris at the Academy from 4 in the evening. The accompanying members would all change but I was the constant.
I would be asked to carry the program booklet , mark the ragams , put the thalams , keep the kanadis and reserve the seat with my kerchief . I didn't mind all this if in return I got my daily fix of pocorn and five star chocolate . The Academy canteen was taboo for me and I had not yet discovered that you could sneak in for a quick sugar fix.
Normally Patti would take me for the stellar kutcheris. Going with patti came with a lot of pre requisites. I had to wear the Nalli pavadai , hair in single jadai , December poo and jimkis. I had to sit and put all the thalams and identify ragams . In return Patti was very generous. When the RTp started she would open her money purse and give me a 5 rupee note for my goodies. The only painful job was if she spotted a diamond shining in any ear at a km radius she would ask for her kanadi and zoom in on the stone in question, I then had to walk by the mami and check 8 stone , open setting bling bling bling . But normally all the other pattis were busy doing the stone probe so it was not so bad.
Going with thatha was a terrible experience. Thatha would sleep so you had to keep putting thalam .... even during RTp. when the musician started ta nam tha , I could smell the popcorn in golden hues frothing over the machine .I would nudge thatha for my 5 rupees. Thatha would then start in the year 1930 I was in Loyola college 2 annas got me one dosa and coffee I would save one anna and keep it for my books .... and then would come the Wholesale price index of 1930 followed by the deterioration of moral values since . By now I had no appetite for popcorn and was happy thatha would go back to sleep and i could keep putting the thalam.
I remember attending Semangudi´s kutcheri once , when someone got up mid way through a song. The old maestro stopped singing and spoke into the mic sir you seem to be in a hurry we will wait. I was always scared that one day they would catch me with popcorn frothing at my mouth .... and patti could then say now we will see who in mylapore marries you.
Amma normally came with me for the dance program. Amma is strict in keeping traditions. So pavadai was just de rigeur , a gagra maybe .
Dance was always the glamour den. You had to be noticed and to be noticed you had to dazzle . But I liked the dances because the popcorn break came built in . They had clearly thought of people like me .
I was always fascinated at how some enthusiastic mama´s were . They would be fast asleep , and even snoring then suddenly get up at random and say bale , besh . The mami´s would always compliment with an inbuilt criticism . I felt the ragam was a bit superficial. The violin was a little loud. Mic was not ok . Some rasikas would read, some even do a sudoku now days . Some even try to talk to the musician , like saying reduce the mic, move back etc.
When I graduated from the Nalli´s bodice pavadai to the more femine pavadai davani my role in the kutcheri scene also evolved. See we had a cousin brother to be married . Rosapoo colour , well educated , dollar salary , respectful to parents , religious does sandhya vandanam in new york cold. In short hey mami catch him before he catches next door Mary or Susie.So we had to go for the kutchery even before the doors were opened. This was very important in marking out the prey . I was then asked to take a good look at all these girls . I had to file past and take a good look , diamonds tick , sari tick , homely looking tick . Who has she come with tick and also did I know her from school that was a major tick. Sometimes Patti had some preys already waiting . So at the appointed time me and my cousin had to walk past and pretend he was buying me popcorn and she would buy the same and looks could be exchanged. Later on I had to give the full nayaka nayaki avarum nokinan ... sanchari bhava to a rapt audience . Years later my husband confessed he had once been taken to a similar hunt . The only problem with this carefully laid out hunt is , he being who he is was seated in the front row . So all the preys ended up at the back . So he was asked to turn in a gradual natural motion and zoom in. He said every time he did , the mami behind would glare back at him . Somehow after this image of a stern Pattu mami glaring like a light house with diamonds on ear , nose and neck, fantasies of a bevy of good looking girls filing past were immediately squashed.
When I reached marriageable age , I was not asked to carry program booklets anymore , rather carry myself with grace. I didnt make much of an impression on the hunts , as I was living in Mumbai and in advertising ... My patti wasnt sure if the Mylapore crowd would find that a red flag . So I actually got to enjoy kutcheris with just the requisite of having to look like a good family girl.
The crowd at the sabhas seem to now include the NRI brigade who are now the backbone at many sabhas. They take over all the hotels near by and can be spotted in their haversack with a bisleri bottle and sanitiser. The mami´s will be in the most brightest silks . The NRi with his flowing kurta, crocs and a little fruit of the loom vest peeping out is the most knowledgeable. He shuns the oily food , brings his own pecan nuts , takes out his kindle and never misses a beat. They usually know the musicians well and will tell you of how Sanjay stayed at their home in LA and Aww did he like my pongal. And then continue inga mari illa mami .
Now as a married woman I get to enjoy kutcheris , watch the mami´s still in their lovely silks discussing the singer´s vaira thodu and pothy´s pattu very much like how MS blue became a rage with the elderly women.The canteens have become very important. The caterer in the canteen reflects on the management of the sabha. Some mama´s can be seen sneaking out to have a bonda and halwa while mami is inside lost in the music . One mama confessed , mami romba strict , cholestrol irokono so only olive oil and oats at home. The crowd in the sabhas are as knowledgeable about the RTP as they are about the bonda chutney outside. Many youngsters throng the sabhas and clearly the accent is on the arts . Wannabe mamis like myself in our designer cottons and clutch bags keep a keen eye on little girls in pavadais . Just to see if they put thalam in the kutchery and one day become a modern girl with traditional values.
Till then we have put away our music booklets away and warmly await the next margazhi when chennai puts out its most melodious face.
Sunday, 2 January 2011
Monday, 11 October 2010
Navratri
As a six year old, I waited for the nine days of kolu . It first meant quarterly exams and a quarter of school year had finished. It also meant I would get a pattu pavadai . See on my paternal side I am the only girl . The family legend has it that Goddess Meenakshi was invoked to deliver me thus and my Patti thought my name as Meenalochini would be more apt . Thanks to being the only girl available on hand. the elder women would run riot at my expense. First a patti pavadai , then amma pavadai would be bought. Then my maternal grandma from Mumbai would buy a gagra choli . Now all this had to be designed for the nine days of festivities. Then the three women ,the two grand mothers and mother would catch me and sock me into a corner . Then decide to plait my hair with the whole of Chennai´s flower market . Well people who have seen me know I am not peitite but just made small, at age 6 trust me that size was smaller than small. with the burden of Flowers I could barely lift off ground. But the two grandmas would have their typical in our family the tradition is ... well it ended in dousing a flower basket on my little head .
After I was able to get myself on two limbs the next was the careful planning of what song to sing in whose house. The pattu master would be asked to teach me navratri songs. Well it would always end up as Ra re venu or vara veena . When my mom realised I was singing the same song after three navratri editions she decided singing was not my thing much to the relief of the poor bhagavathar.
Once all the ladies were dressed ,we would pile ourselves into an ambassador car and drive from navratri to navratri .
It is one time of the year when women don't stay home after 5 , eat junk food, come back late and only worry about the next day´s pattu sari. Now , at navratris the sundal is the highlight . From pattu mami´s kondai kadalai sundal being too salty to the kerala mami´s payuru sundal doused in coconut . We would eat the packet and then criticise the contents. I would be content sitting in the front seat of the ambassador eating all the sundal and happy that home work was such a distant concept.
Some over enthusiastic mamis will tell sundal only if you sing. Ok mami if you insist I will belt out ra ra venu for the 100 th time .
Now kolus come in different varieties- the eating ones and the decorative ones. The eating ones are with that sole purpose , you go there say hi , caress some silk saris , some jimkis , roll call on marriages and then go for the bonda bajjis. I love the bondas with chutney and kesari. Over the years the mamis have started adding pizzas and noodles . I was so happy that I didnt have to come home and have to slug through amma´s nutritious meal schemes.
The decorative kolus , the category where our family is the heavy weight ,is all about bringing out the dolls. The dolls in our house belonged to my paternal great grand mother . so the dolls do not have sri devi´s nose and aishwarya rai´s pout. We have two gowri bommais that is the pride of our navratri. Every year the dolls are dressed to theme . We managed some years even changing their sex by adding fillings in require areas !!the doll´s dresses were stitched from dupattas and the theme was highly debated at home. The whole family would paint , cut , stick and polish.
Always before the first guest arrived one part of the mountain landscape usually the mountain itself, would rumble and some cotton wool would fall over. This was interpretd as a good omen, removing all the bad eyes for the evening.
As the years progressed , navratris had a more sinister meaning. My grandmom would coax me to invite any girl from an age group of 15 up wards . She would then say Ponnu yaaru. Aaah padivala? . And she would then annpunce annaku pakalam . I would then say No patti , she is a mean girl doesnt share her food .... I couldn't think of having any of my friends married to my brother . My patti would then say ivala nambina kalyaname nadakathu.
If any girl wore any jewellery worth the bling. Patti would put on her glasses and pour closely at the yellow metal .
When i graduated from the pavadai davani to sari. My role in the navratri world changed. It was no longer eating humble sundal. I constantly had to answer what my future plans were and how I was modern girl with family outlook . whatever that meant.
By this time the sundal itself was slowly disappearing and the grand sweets and sri krishna took over. The ladoo mixture combo reigned supreme . The thamboolam got fancier with disco bindi and fancy kumkum.
Many years I was away during kolu and would try to re create my own sad kolu. All the trunks would be dressed in table cloth and all the 4 dolls arranged to bring on volume . A whole day of slogging to make indian sundal eatable by spanish women. My maid would make gazpacho with coriander for the Indian touch. She tried making other stuff until i made her understand that our gods were fussy eaters and ate only stuff they knew . Clams and gamba al ajillo are not their thing. She found that strange that our gods ate our food and were fussy too!!The spanish women would all come, put on their bindis sing besame mucho eat their sundals and keep chatting till 10 at night. My mother once witnessed this spectacle and said it was the most tiring kolu she saw.
After years, I am in Chennai dressing dolls before navratri . My hair is what my Patti would call bob cut . The doll´s dresses are now all got ready-made. We insisted that kolu has to be a home grown initiative , so we sent the dolls blouse to our local tailor. He became all excited and stitched Sita´s forest garb with all kinds of fancy cuts that she looks more like a model for forest fashion 2010. We have laid out fresh lawn and try hard to keep the little ones of the house away including a dog that finds it disorienting to have a garden in a bed room .
The sundal packets are getting ready and the dolls have all been taken out for their 9 days of glory under the made in china decorative lights. We the women are dotting round town with packets in hand . People now dont ask me do I sing but rather do I play chess ? One lady wanted to know if I could have a chess theme navratri . Well someone did Michael Jackson .... If Chennai Navratri has evolved to beat it a check mate cant be very far away
After I was able to get myself on two limbs the next was the careful planning of what song to sing in whose house. The pattu master would be asked to teach me navratri songs. Well it would always end up as Ra re venu or vara veena . When my mom realised I was singing the same song after three navratri editions she decided singing was not my thing much to the relief of the poor bhagavathar.
Once all the ladies were dressed ,we would pile ourselves into an ambassador car and drive from navratri to navratri .
It is one time of the year when women don't stay home after 5 , eat junk food, come back late and only worry about the next day´s pattu sari. Now , at navratris the sundal is the highlight . From pattu mami´s kondai kadalai sundal being too salty to the kerala mami´s payuru sundal doused in coconut . We would eat the packet and then criticise the contents. I would be content sitting in the front seat of the ambassador eating all the sundal and happy that home work was such a distant concept.
Some over enthusiastic mamis will tell sundal only if you sing. Ok mami if you insist I will belt out ra ra venu for the 100 th time .
Now kolus come in different varieties- the eating ones and the decorative ones. The eating ones are with that sole purpose , you go there say hi , caress some silk saris , some jimkis , roll call on marriages and then go for the bonda bajjis. I love the bondas with chutney and kesari. Over the years the mamis have started adding pizzas and noodles . I was so happy that I didnt have to come home and have to slug through amma´s nutritious meal schemes.
The decorative kolus , the category where our family is the heavy weight ,is all about bringing out the dolls. The dolls in our house belonged to my paternal great grand mother . so the dolls do not have sri devi´s nose and aishwarya rai´s pout. We have two gowri bommais that is the pride of our navratri. Every year the dolls are dressed to theme . We managed some years even changing their sex by adding fillings in require areas !!the doll´s dresses were stitched from dupattas and the theme was highly debated at home. The whole family would paint , cut , stick and polish.
Always before the first guest arrived one part of the mountain landscape usually the mountain itself, would rumble and some cotton wool would fall over. This was interpretd as a good omen, removing all the bad eyes for the evening.
As the years progressed , navratris had a more sinister meaning. My grandmom would coax me to invite any girl from an age group of 15 up wards . She would then say Ponnu yaaru. Aaah padivala? . And she would then annpunce annaku pakalam . I would then say No patti , she is a mean girl doesnt share her food .... I couldn't think of having any of my friends married to my brother . My patti would then say ivala nambina kalyaname nadakathu.
If any girl wore any jewellery worth the bling. Patti would put on her glasses and pour closely at the yellow metal .
When i graduated from the pavadai davani to sari. My role in the navratri world changed. It was no longer eating humble sundal. I constantly had to answer what my future plans were and how I was modern girl with family outlook . whatever that meant.
By this time the sundal itself was slowly disappearing and the grand sweets and sri krishna took over. The ladoo mixture combo reigned supreme . The thamboolam got fancier with disco bindi and fancy kumkum.
Many years I was away during kolu and would try to re create my own sad kolu. All the trunks would be dressed in table cloth and all the 4 dolls arranged to bring on volume . A whole day of slogging to make indian sundal eatable by spanish women. My maid would make gazpacho with coriander for the Indian touch. She tried making other stuff until i made her understand that our gods were fussy eaters and ate only stuff they knew . Clams and gamba al ajillo are not their thing. She found that strange that our gods ate our food and were fussy too!!The spanish women would all come, put on their bindis sing besame mucho eat their sundals and keep chatting till 10 at night. My mother once witnessed this spectacle and said it was the most tiring kolu she saw.
After years, I am in Chennai dressing dolls before navratri . My hair is what my Patti would call bob cut . The doll´s dresses are now all got ready-made. We insisted that kolu has to be a home grown initiative , so we sent the dolls blouse to our local tailor. He became all excited and stitched Sita´s forest garb with all kinds of fancy cuts that she looks more like a model for forest fashion 2010. We have laid out fresh lawn and try hard to keep the little ones of the house away including a dog that finds it disorienting to have a garden in a bed room .
The sundal packets are getting ready and the dolls have all been taken out for their 9 days of glory under the made in china decorative lights. We the women are dotting round town with packets in hand . People now dont ask me do I sing but rather do I play chess ? One lady wanted to know if I could have a chess theme navratri . Well someone did Michael Jackson .... If Chennai Navratri has evolved to beat it a check mate cant be very far away
Saturday, 18 September 2010
The Voice of God
Chennai has been through the month of Aadi. Apart from everything being on discount we have had our ears seared with blaring music from all temples . Every weekend the local temples put a loudspeaker , make porridge and generally see that we all wake up in a bad mood and black eyed.
Why do we need loudspeakers in temple. Is it for us to know there is God , is it that loudspeakers are just cheap , or more importantly is it for god to hear his disciples. Imagine God up there every year has this loudspeaker gone wild session. He or she would would ensure us yes he or she do exist and they do not have a hearing problem .
After a weekend of an Aaatha screaming woodstock kind of fest , I was in no mood for another weekend of Aatha being drummed down my ears. So at 4.30 a.m. I call the police station and tell Saar what is the rule for loudspeaker , The police says SI speaking 6 am ma . OK saar we cant sleep the noise is unbearable . Within ten minutes the jeep comes , the police man calls me and says ma we are here what do you want us to do. I say Saar you hear a deafening noise chase them . Aah you want us to follow the noise . Yes I say, Ok OK . We will put on our siren and scare them. Then after ten minutes we hear Aaatha on a fainter note and tug at our blankets.When SI calls Madam can we see you . See me ? For what Si. So that ma you know we came . I said I know you came. I am not flashing my nightie at a pot bellied cop at 4 am . So ten minutes later the aaatha volume is turned up again. I call my friendly SI .. and say saar no respect for the police these people have turned up the volume . He says dont worry mam god is there he will teach them a lesson . I say Saar you see God doesnt take complaints and come with a siren so I cant tell him in a direct way .
BUt God if you are up there please dont wait till after life to throw the aatha brigade in hell .. just mute their loudpspeakers for now...
Why do we need loudspeakers in temple. Is it for us to know there is God , is it that loudspeakers are just cheap , or more importantly is it for god to hear his disciples. Imagine God up there every year has this loudspeaker gone wild session. He or she would would ensure us yes he or she do exist and they do not have a hearing problem .
After a weekend of an Aaatha screaming woodstock kind of fest , I was in no mood for another weekend of Aatha being drummed down my ears. So at 4.30 a.m. I call the police station and tell Saar what is the rule for loudspeaker , The police says SI speaking 6 am ma . OK saar we cant sleep the noise is unbearable . Within ten minutes the jeep comes , the police man calls me and says ma we are here what do you want us to do. I say Saar you hear a deafening noise chase them . Aah you want us to follow the noise . Yes I say, Ok OK . We will put on our siren and scare them. Then after ten minutes we hear Aaatha on a fainter note and tug at our blankets.When SI calls Madam can we see you . See me ? For what Si. So that ma you know we came . I said I know you came. I am not flashing my nightie at a pot bellied cop at 4 am . So ten minutes later the aaatha volume is turned up again. I call my friendly SI .. and say saar no respect for the police these people have turned up the volume . He says dont worry mam god is there he will teach them a lesson . I say Saar you see God doesnt take complaints and come with a siren so I cant tell him in a direct way .
BUt God if you are up there please dont wait till after life to throw the aatha brigade in hell .. just mute their loudpspeakers for now...
Friday, 30 July 2010
The Aunty from Phoren
When Bata heeled us , and mostly only after the shareholder coupon came in. The Ambassador took the whole neighbourhood to school and Doordarshan delighted us with wonder balloon and kanmani poonga. The aunty from phoren was a much awaited arrival. Moment Aunty would come all of us would put on our best frocks and be asked to entertain aunty with loud carnatic music and dance wthout any music. Then aunty would then go Wow thats awesome and put her hand into her sack of goodies. This is why we loved aunty . She would come with a box full of gifts to be distributed. She had gifts according to relations and how much the desi mama sucked up to the green card . Since we were tier 1 we always got our first pick. frocks in bright colours , ribbons , lip stick , stickers and then toys that came free with mc. donalds. Those days we thought you had to have really done some major karma to get these goodies. Aunty would not drink our water or eat our food , but would wear bright silk saris and lots of malli poo . Our cook would say maha lakshmi powder potta namma rukumani thaan.She would always tell us about back home ... where you could buy 100 chocolates at the same time .100 chocolates patti would say ... Kamakshi did you hear that where my daughter lives she can buy 100 chcoolates !! . Even patti was enamoured by the phoren daughter. Patti would get american snow for her face , hundreds of used plastic dabbis for keeping her vibhuti colection and of course the chocolates.I wasnt sure whether I really liked this aunty . I always thought she was more of a santa mami . Everytime someone came home she would hug them and go Aww and give a gift. My poor amma always had the worst of the Aunty. She had to cook meals with mineral water , the rice had to be the right glycemic index and in return amma always got advice on how to keep a good home , and how to freeze food in plastic dubbas .Amma never understood what was the point of cooking too much , stuffing it in a dubba and putting a sticker on it. Amma would get lots of make up and conditioner with the strict warning that they were prized possesions from sams club pick of the month .
Aunty would buy mops , duster cloths for the servants . Those poor souls would keep the duster cloth safely ,they thought a phoren cloth had to be used only on phoren stuff .. so only the computer got its weekly spa ritual.
Amma always was proud of my long hair . It was something she had nurtured for years with oil and shika. Even during the worst drought , water would be hand pumped for my head bath. So Amma would then take a little of Aunty´s conditioner and rub it all over my hair . That condtioner bottle saw me through my school years. It came to our house when I was three and even managed my school graduation. If I had a dance program Amma would even be liberal and use two drops of the conditioner.
Over the years the aunty has had to try hard to win our love . Her wonder shredder and magic bullet doesnt cut with Amma. She is the queen of micro wave now and can very easily can have a kolu of only tupper ware . She tells Aunty try our Tupper dabbas they even have anjali pottis , you know and they are even dish washer safe.. you should take it back home
Aunty finds it hard to now be just a normal aunty . Her american tamil is no longer new . Every girl speaks american better than the americans . Her back home stories dont excite us anymore . But now aunty decided to bring her daughter and her kids to up the buzz around her .She would insist that her grand kids bathed in our bubble top water and that only expensive milk was given to them. Even brushing teeth would be only with Aquafina ( pronounced Acca fina by our thambis).
Even patti finds that tough to swallow. Yen di Raks ( see Rukumani went through the american loop and came out raks)it is too much i say if vegetables are washed so much there will no taste...
But aunty´s daughter , aunty jr. our cousin tries hard to be one of us. Although she hates our guts when we jump into any auto or leap out to attack any man calling them saar . And she cant understand how suddenly we insist we are ladies and say saar konjam side . She undersatnds we are the power mamis . we have our madisars and our vodka and back home is preferably a nice place in chennai .Even back in her home .. they find that tough to follow... because in the end namma vazhi is always thanni vazhi....
Aunty would buy mops , duster cloths for the servants . Those poor souls would keep the duster cloth safely ,they thought a phoren cloth had to be used only on phoren stuff .. so only the computer got its weekly spa ritual.
Amma always was proud of my long hair . It was something she had nurtured for years with oil and shika. Even during the worst drought , water would be hand pumped for my head bath. So Amma would then take a little of Aunty´s conditioner and rub it all over my hair . That condtioner bottle saw me through my school years. It came to our house when I was three and even managed my school graduation. If I had a dance program Amma would even be liberal and use two drops of the conditioner.
Over the years the aunty has had to try hard to win our love . Her wonder shredder and magic bullet doesnt cut with Amma. She is the queen of micro wave now and can very easily can have a kolu of only tupper ware . She tells Aunty try our Tupper dabbas they even have anjali pottis , you know and they are even dish washer safe.. you should take it back home
Aunty finds it hard to now be just a normal aunty . Her american tamil is no longer new . Every girl speaks american better than the americans . Her back home stories dont excite us anymore . But now aunty decided to bring her daughter and her kids to up the buzz around her .She would insist that her grand kids bathed in our bubble top water and that only expensive milk was given to them. Even brushing teeth would be only with Aquafina ( pronounced Acca fina by our thambis).
Even patti finds that tough to swallow. Yen di Raks ( see Rukumani went through the american loop and came out raks)it is too much i say if vegetables are washed so much there will no taste...
But aunty´s daughter , aunty jr. our cousin tries hard to be one of us. Although she hates our guts when we jump into any auto or leap out to attack any man calling them saar . And she cant understand how suddenly we insist we are ladies and say saar konjam side . She undersatnds we are the power mamis . we have our madisars and our vodka and back home is preferably a nice place in chennai .Even back in her home .. they find that tough to follow... because in the end namma vazhi is always thanni vazhi....
Sunday, 27 June 2010
Kalyana Kathaigal
Im in Chennai in the middle of Kalyana season . The whole day goes in trying to get into the tight silk blouses and ferrying vethlai bags .
In Chennai kalyanams are taken seriously . It is the only place where I know that you can have 3 invites on the same day and in the same hour slot!So this is how the chennaiite does it.
Did the invite come by post or courier ? Are we boys side or girls side? Then comes did they come personally ? Who came ? Parents or tier 1 relatives. Then the ultimate tie breaker. Who cooks in the wedding?
Mountbatten Mani , Arusuvai , Saapadu Raman , Kalyana Raman , Mambalam Mahalingam ...
Now a days though the Mambalam tribe have deserted good sambar sadam for wontons and chocolate fondue. Many a mamis find it difficult to juggle the giant appalam in a sea of Iyer made Curry leaf tempered Original Chinese noodles.
Once we have deciphered where we go first , sit longest and eat the husband and wife make a complicated plan.
You arrive at the wedding. First the men move to the left and women to the right . Young girls are deciphered slowly the boys in Hawaii chapals and American returned cologne are slowly recorded and mentally matched.
As Husband and wife sit separately and wife is immersed in mami tales . The mama on the other side can feel the bile rising in his stomach. Ducking and weaving the relatives of the couple he signals furiosuly to mami . the modern day mama would sms saapad? in the good old days a pavadai clad girl would be sent Mami, mama is calling.
But first you have to mark attendance , then hand the gift, avert the meals ready look of the relatives. Collect the thamboolam bag and run to the next.
Handing the gift is a skill in itself. You learn to squeeze past the bouquets and land right at the stage. If you are important the photographer is summoned, if you are not you are told how dear you are.
Then comes the reason we women love weddings. You don't cook , you get to dress , not have to sit next to a complaining husband and bitch without bother. So when you get to the Elai sapad and sample the buckets being emptied. You are confronted by the videographer. He knows exactly how to capture a pattu mami with a papadum in her mouth or a mama vehemently fighting with the cook that no mundris came his way. For me i find it tough to have the poli dipping with ghee and jangri all in one go and a flash light attacking me.
But all of is who have had videos of our weding. How many times have we seen it and how many times in that have we leapt out of our husband's heart and on to a rose bunch. I managed it 6 times and I also managed to have my head morphed into a chess queen and chase the king all Over 64 squares.The videographer explained madam special effects .... my patti thought it was a bad omen to have my head cut off on my wedding video.
Nowadays you don't just attend weddings you have to sing , dance , socialize all at same time .
But I serious love the wedding season. Where else can we see on a muhurtham day , vadhyars taking no entry and telling the cop Saar muhutham time coming close pls.adjust. Or ladies in their scooty with their brightest sari and matching helmet. In December we can ever get the matching ear muff (the current chennai haute accessory) in leopard print toying with the maatal.
Wedding season is when chennai takes stock of its soon to be married youngsters in a way that even the census may not be able to keep up. But when aadi arrives apart from aadi thalupadi you have to re adjust those silk blouses for the next season....till then mama and mami can keep themselves busy emptying thambaloom packets and recycling gifts till the next manjai patrikai comes along....
In Chennai kalyanams are taken seriously . It is the only place where I know that you can have 3 invites on the same day and in the same hour slot!So this is how the chennaiite does it.
Did the invite come by post or courier ? Are we boys side or girls side? Then comes did they come personally ? Who came ? Parents or tier 1 relatives. Then the ultimate tie breaker. Who cooks in the wedding?
Mountbatten Mani , Arusuvai , Saapadu Raman , Kalyana Raman , Mambalam Mahalingam ...
Now a days though the Mambalam tribe have deserted good sambar sadam for wontons and chocolate fondue. Many a mamis find it difficult to juggle the giant appalam in a sea of Iyer made Curry leaf tempered Original Chinese noodles.
Once we have deciphered where we go first , sit longest and eat the husband and wife make a complicated plan.
You arrive at the wedding. First the men move to the left and women to the right . Young girls are deciphered slowly the boys in Hawaii chapals and American returned cologne are slowly recorded and mentally matched.
As Husband and wife sit separately and wife is immersed in mami tales . The mama on the other side can feel the bile rising in his stomach. Ducking and weaving the relatives of the couple he signals furiosuly to mami . the modern day mama would sms saapad? in the good old days a pavadai clad girl would be sent Mami, mama is calling.
But first you have to mark attendance , then hand the gift, avert the meals ready look of the relatives. Collect the thamboolam bag and run to the next.
Handing the gift is a skill in itself. You learn to squeeze past the bouquets and land right at the stage. If you are important the photographer is summoned, if you are not you are told how dear you are.
Then comes the reason we women love weddings. You don't cook , you get to dress , not have to sit next to a complaining husband and bitch without bother. So when you get to the Elai sapad and sample the buckets being emptied. You are confronted by the videographer. He knows exactly how to capture a pattu mami with a papadum in her mouth or a mama vehemently fighting with the cook that no mundris came his way. For me i find it tough to have the poli dipping with ghee and jangri all in one go and a flash light attacking me.
But all of is who have had videos of our weding. How many times have we seen it and how many times in that have we leapt out of our husband's heart and on to a rose bunch. I managed it 6 times and I also managed to have my head morphed into a chess queen and chase the king all Over 64 squares.The videographer explained madam special effects .... my patti thought it was a bad omen to have my head cut off on my wedding video.
Nowadays you don't just attend weddings you have to sing , dance , socialize all at same time .
But I serious love the wedding season. Where else can we see on a muhurtham day , vadhyars taking no entry and telling the cop Saar muhutham time coming close pls.adjust. Or ladies in their scooty with their brightest sari and matching helmet. In December we can ever get the matching ear muff (the current chennai haute accessory) in leopard print toying with the maatal.
Wedding season is when chennai takes stock of its soon to be married youngsters in a way that even the census may not be able to keep up. But when aadi arrives apart from aadi thalupadi you have to re adjust those silk blouses for the next season....till then mama and mami can keep themselves busy emptying thambaloom packets and recycling gifts till the next manjai patrikai comes along....
Wednesday, 16 June 2010
Cleanliness is next to godliness
By now you all have been introduced to my maid . The days when she comes and I am there I get a sneak preview into what makes this woman tick. Bring god into everything , give a Arasi look with zoom in zoom out action when asked why did u break my jar... if Madam is still not relenting ... turn on the taps. In a nutshell she is my maid. In my head I have boxed her , cajoled her and also think of a life where I dont stand by the lift at 8.30 like a pit bull awaiting her arrival and then turn into a little lap dog when i see my floor pressed .
My maid is honest , never lies never cheats and never robs. So I indulge her superstitions. Which are let me quote . When I have my ladies days I dont collect godly rubbish. Ok thats reasonable. On amavasai I light lamp , make payasam and vadai come late for work. No maid No. Ok I bring crunchy masala vadais to work. Ok then amavasai is forgiven. She does make very good vadai . That gives my cook a vadai complex.
Ok on Fridays I dont collect garbage . Why . It is godly day . Ah . That is not happening. But you see Friday is clean day . Ok Ok clean is always good .
Then comes killing insects and animals . In India we all run little abattoirs seeing how to put a lizard in trance use a bata chapal to down the roach. keep cakes for rats .... Its a chenobyl in the back yard.
Maid says Tuesday Friday no animal murders . Ah but if animal is running around what can I do . Maid says no ma that lizard will send us to hell. By this point I realise I am going there anyway and in all probability dragging maid with me . So i take out the plastic bag.... and sparing you the lizaard hara kiri kill the thing. Ma maid says have bath and light lamp ... your sin will go .
I chew slowly ... then of course comes PMS. she has serious PMs . When the bad moon rises maid has problems with iron man , cook , gardener. So when its Pms time I shout at my husband stop throwing garbage the next four days there is no garbage bag removal. Husband thinks its not even your bad moon thats rising why do I deal with 2 PMS every month. Good question husband ... today is TGIF you see maid is in godly mode and my devil avatar is hanging out ... and this devil doesnt even wear prada .. just good old bata hawai .. because the hawai chapal can kill a Roach with one phat no prada or choo can come close.. for some its TGIF and for its OH GGIF oh god its friday
My maid is honest , never lies never cheats and never robs. So I indulge her superstitions. Which are let me quote . When I have my ladies days I dont collect godly rubbish. Ok thats reasonable. On amavasai I light lamp , make payasam and vadai come late for work. No maid No. Ok I bring crunchy masala vadais to work. Ok then amavasai is forgiven. She does make very good vadai . That gives my cook a vadai complex.
Ok on Fridays I dont collect garbage . Why . It is godly day . Ah . That is not happening. But you see Friday is clean day . Ok Ok clean is always good .
Then comes killing insects and animals . In India we all run little abattoirs seeing how to put a lizard in trance use a bata chapal to down the roach. keep cakes for rats .... Its a chenobyl in the back yard.
Maid says Tuesday Friday no animal murders . Ah but if animal is running around what can I do . Maid says no ma that lizard will send us to hell. By this point I realise I am going there anyway and in all probability dragging maid with me . So i take out the plastic bag.... and sparing you the lizaard hara kiri kill the thing. Ma maid says have bath and light lamp ... your sin will go .
I chew slowly ... then of course comes PMS. she has serious PMs . When the bad moon rises maid has problems with iron man , cook , gardener. So when its Pms time I shout at my husband stop throwing garbage the next four days there is no garbage bag removal. Husband thinks its not even your bad moon thats rising why do I deal with 2 PMS every month. Good question husband ... today is TGIF you see maid is in godly mode and my devil avatar is hanging out ... and this devil doesnt even wear prada .. just good old bata hawai .. because the hawai chapal can kill a Roach with one phat no prada or choo can come close.. for some its TGIF and for its OH GGIF oh god its friday
Togetherness is love
Have you tried navigating a trolley full of luggage into Chennai airport sweeping past hordes of relatives all huddled together waving at their wards . With promises to return soon , eat medicines , produce babies , write emails , pray to god ,all hanging in the air. The wards you can see have their hearts torn between two continents and their clothing reflects their nostalgia shared. sparkling nike and leather jacket jostles for space with jimki and malli poo which will all be tucked away till the next trip back . As we try to wrestle these persistent relatives who are so moved by the situation they refuse to budge . Me not known for physical might but tongue power I have been bestowed by the almighty try to tell them ,please move. they stand their transfixed waiting to catch the little pinky of the good bye . Many times I have been trampled on or have my suitcases thrown down or have relatives trying to enter the airport along with me .
Which brings me to my scientific research findings. For each adult that leaves Chennai airport an average 2.1 adults accompany them. If there is baby add another 1.7 , bigger children you can add another.7 . If they are fully grown and I mean American size growth minus about.485 adults . So for each family going to America there is a send off party of 4 adults , 8 massive cases , half of grand sweets , RMKV pothy´s and a sprinkling of nalli. Not to mention mixer grinder , sumeet mixie all forming part of the send off experience .
have you noticed Indians do very few things in solitude. Except the utmost neccesity...I had to have some injections for an allergy . The doctor said 5 injections over 10 days.Every time the nurse would take me in she would pull the curtain and peep outside and wait . After the third . poke me quick I can get out experience , she asked me if I was married. I said yes , mother in same city. I said yes . Is it relevant . So nurse says , madam you always come alone . No one to come with you . Why I ask ? Normally women come with some one . Really I ask. See I dont relish having these injections and I dont really think my husband is very fond of seeing needles. My mom would freak out if she saw blood . So trust me I am better off. Nurse looks very strangely at me and takes in her next normal patient , lady with mother , water bottle , napkin etc etc.
Next I run to buy furniture. I see in the store full families shopping , debating sitting , jumping , sleeping on mattress . I run in ask do you have a sofa for 20,000 . Good Is it fittable in my living room. Good. send it over buddy. The sales man says madam do you want to look. No . Want to come back. No. Just send it . My husband never really notices the sofa as long as I can clean all the food we can spill on it . So sofa in solitude retail is good
Then enter a sari shop. This is the shop I dread most . When all the fancy saries are thrown at me I dont know what to do . I look quickly . Ok this sari looks reasonable . It has a blouse piece. Good that saves me the headache of finding mera wala green.While I try to pay , you see full families looking through saris. The husband says green is not your colour. The mother says in muted tones ... your mother in law is paying buy more fancy sari . the wife wants a Vidya balan ensemble . Put all this together you have a two hour family shopping experience where saris are seen in tube light , no light and the taken out on the road to see in natural light . Do we actually wear our saris on busy T nagar streets for its natural colour to show ??The experience is then followed by snacks and tea .
Many times when husband is away I bring on the calorie mela. Parantas doused in butter , vadas with ghee and brownie and muffin . So I like to go to these swanky cafe shops and pretend to be cool and gorge on muffins. Every five minutes I get asked, madam is someone joining ... No I am here to eat so that when my husband returns we can go back to bircher museli and stewed fruit... They look at me strangely. Every time a person walks in they look at the person and me and see if there is some buzz!sometimes flattering sometimes you think aiyo yo
Why do we have to be together all the time ... In India if you buy a curtain , the family has bought a curtain . Everyone will visit to see the curtain , the nice ones say eh cool. The older ones say is this a curtain , looks like some cloth has been attached . In our times curtain meant a curtain ... Ok I get the point
Ok I never invited you for curtain seeing ceremony. Now that you are here have the bajis and move on . I hate this come and see my house I have new curtains. And how does that change my curtains. Why do we need to see your curtains or sofa ... But we always see the curtain and say oh nice and on the drive home you bitch ... that curtain is so bad. My god how can you buy that curtain. But in family retail law do unto your curtain what other do unto theirs
Abroad we have burst crackers in our yard and no one turns and looks ... or question. But in India togetherness is love and you can never have enough of that, although love at times is 24x7 indulgence
Which brings me to my scientific research findings. For each adult that leaves Chennai airport an average 2.1 adults accompany them. If there is baby add another 1.7 , bigger children you can add another.7 . If they are fully grown and I mean American size growth minus about.485 adults . So for each family going to America there is a send off party of 4 adults , 8 massive cases , half of grand sweets , RMKV pothy´s and a sprinkling of nalli. Not to mention mixer grinder , sumeet mixie all forming part of the send off experience .
have you noticed Indians do very few things in solitude. Except the utmost neccesity...I had to have some injections for an allergy . The doctor said 5 injections over 10 days.Every time the nurse would take me in she would pull the curtain and peep outside and wait . After the third . poke me quick I can get out experience , she asked me if I was married. I said yes , mother in same city. I said yes . Is it relevant . So nurse says , madam you always come alone . No one to come with you . Why I ask ? Normally women come with some one . Really I ask. See I dont relish having these injections and I dont really think my husband is very fond of seeing needles. My mom would freak out if she saw blood . So trust me I am better off. Nurse looks very strangely at me and takes in her next normal patient , lady with mother , water bottle , napkin etc etc.
Next I run to buy furniture. I see in the store full families shopping , debating sitting , jumping , sleeping on mattress . I run in ask do you have a sofa for 20,000 . Good Is it fittable in my living room. Good. send it over buddy. The sales man says madam do you want to look. No . Want to come back. No. Just send it . My husband never really notices the sofa as long as I can clean all the food we can spill on it . So sofa in solitude retail is good
Then enter a sari shop. This is the shop I dread most . When all the fancy saries are thrown at me I dont know what to do . I look quickly . Ok this sari looks reasonable . It has a blouse piece. Good that saves me the headache of finding mera wala green.While I try to pay , you see full families looking through saris. The husband says green is not your colour. The mother says in muted tones ... your mother in law is paying buy more fancy sari . the wife wants a Vidya balan ensemble . Put all this together you have a two hour family shopping experience where saris are seen in tube light , no light and the taken out on the road to see in natural light . Do we actually wear our saris on busy T nagar streets for its natural colour to show ??The experience is then followed by snacks and tea .
Many times when husband is away I bring on the calorie mela. Parantas doused in butter , vadas with ghee and brownie and muffin . So I like to go to these swanky cafe shops and pretend to be cool and gorge on muffins. Every five minutes I get asked, madam is someone joining ... No I am here to eat so that when my husband returns we can go back to bircher museli and stewed fruit... They look at me strangely. Every time a person walks in they look at the person and me and see if there is some buzz!sometimes flattering sometimes you think aiyo yo
Why do we have to be together all the time ... In India if you buy a curtain , the family has bought a curtain . Everyone will visit to see the curtain , the nice ones say eh cool. The older ones say is this a curtain , looks like some cloth has been attached . In our times curtain meant a curtain ... Ok I get the point
Ok I never invited you for curtain seeing ceremony. Now that you are here have the bajis and move on . I hate this come and see my house I have new curtains. And how does that change my curtains. Why do we need to see your curtains or sofa ... But we always see the curtain and say oh nice and on the drive home you bitch ... that curtain is so bad. My god how can you buy that curtain. But in family retail law do unto your curtain what other do unto theirs
Abroad we have burst crackers in our yard and no one turns and looks ... or question. But in India togetherness is love and you can never have enough of that, although love at times is 24x7 indulgence
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