Marie Cando and Cannot do

We live in a world where we watch, others watching .. watching stuff. My son watches videos of people telling alexa how to spell supercalifragilisticespi.... Its a thing .
We watch people getting new faces, new bodies new homes and even new husbands ... and dogs too ok not in that order

So Now we have a program called Tidying Up and Marie Kondo is a verb .. albeit not a happy one. Tidying up for me is procrastination. Emptying my recycle bin is always a good place to start . See this Marie mami hasnt met our mommies and mamis. My mother in law had diaries dating all the way back to 1979 . All blank . Why I asked ? You never know ? My mom has a collection of 20 mugs all from a brand of coffee we once had only for that reason. My mother's store room has only Horlicks jadis and mudis . Almost all bottles that have stood on that ledge have witnessed 3 generations of pickles , prickly fights and petty much more.
Have you ever taken food home from your mom's? The next day she will say .. If you have finished please return the dabba . Only that dabba has that cover that can do that thing.... Yes but its a box that came when Appa went in 1979 to London. That too .
See we dont give away . We keep. You never know when a 1989 Murugan calendar could be back the hit thing on your wall. You never know that a Nalli bag would be used. Hello now the manjai pai is that IT THING.
See if we all our pattis had Marie kondoed their armarais. How many afghan snow bottles filled with Patti smell would we have been lost ... Many many. How many mamis take Chanel No.5 fill it with Gulab water and spray 5 drops...? C'mon thats  cool

MY mother's jewellery collection is completely wrapped in wedding goodie bags . WE remember anniversaries only due to this reason. That necklace is in that Sundaram's bag 2-2-84 , All welcome with friends and family ... Ofcourse today is their anniversary.

Another thing our family collected are ponnadais. We give it away as Ethnic golden throw to unsuspecting foreigners . We make cushion covers, bags , the odd pavadai and ravikai !!
Now if we didnt keep it all safely in a hoarded nalli bag ?? Imagine .

My mother in law would bring back a suitcase full of empty dabbas from the USA. They throw nice full round dabbas with round tight fit muddis . These dabbas full size appalam we can keep. We had so many round fitting dabbas that we could have populated an Ikea store.My husband once suggested like a wine collection we have a dabba collection. This particular box circa 92 with lemon pickle topnotes ....


Now we call these Marie Kondo , Upcycle , recycle ... NO its not that .. WE keep for keepsake . Because you never know ....
Between Marie & Mami what wins?? 

Hashtag life

The #hashtag Life
 I say to my #babes#my man # moochie(no strike that ####)” You see all these weddings , I also want one Big hastagged #my life my wife kind of wedding. At this time my not so mooched husband says Oh is it that time of the month that makes you so so … Better not to commit to any adjective here . I say no we need relationship goals ,we need a hash tag. See Our names have too many vowels . What hashtag can we get from five lettered names filled with A’s . Only a phonetic digraph . AAAA See right there we have a problem. Look at Ranveer , he has matching clothes with Deepika . The only matching thing we have is I love Reykjavik bought from an airline coupon for mishandled luggage. That T shirt has been through more RPM’s in washing machines around the world that it almost resembles Iceland on a good day. Seeing that Progesterone to testosterone is 1-0 . Husband gains some volume. See , I need at least a month to grow moustache like Ranveer Singh . In that time I have to figure out beard shampoo, beard balm etc etc that you will get for me online. Then you will give me instructions on what to do with each product . Then I have to remember which thing goes where. The last time I was using body cream as soap .Much like a baby stroller that never opens in an one touch by a male hand but will open miraculously when a woman breathes near it. The first holiday as a parent the only thing I did was watching videos on how to open and close a stroller with one hand . I want to have a long veil with something apart from a laundry tag on it. I want my blouses to be eclectic ( I like that word . You just toss it and it #sounds made for you). Clothes meant for me as a person. Not a cut and paste job by A1 Ladies tailors, We make you a star in every fit ! But at least we can have a Lake Como wedding. Our wedding was by the Lake Cooum !!Truly! Almost same but very different # breathless… like you take my breath away. A credit card company recently eager to sell their product told us they arranged the Lake Como weddings. I was very excited not at the wedding per se but every spend abroad earns you double points in India. I could have a wedding every month. Imagine a wedding begets a wedding.#points for life for wife. Now my husband powered by the need to check the ping on his phone says. You see the person in you … is the kindest mother , the most aggressive garbage segregator. Every time at Starbucks you take a card to write and say NO to PLASTIC! An awesome baker , but will never allow me more than a piece. The funniest raconteur and the shyest person in a group . You can remember numbers, bank balances and take every decision but still you insist I should give the driver instructions to a place I don’t know. You order yourself flowers and chocolates and if I got you a gift you will giggle like a school girl. Tell me for which woman will this tailor make . Why all this photo & make up and beard . All wedding pictures will be filled with kids we didn’t know existed and many years later the only purpose they serve is to point out how tiny Babloo looked at our wedding. The best relationship goal is a bowl of good curd rice , Netflix and maybe matching T shirts … What to say … in the end Food solves all problems #curd rice rocks # cool system# cool marriage!

The Low Cost Air Bus

I recently boarded a flight chennai -delhi . Low cost everything, done electronically. The site kept asking me if I wanted to order a meal . Well I cant really decide if I need a sandwich one month from now. So I thought I will think about it. Its been a while since I travelled . It was my big solo flight after Akhil. So in between spit ups , keeping an infant from pushing keys (he jammed my dot key anyway which means.com is a whole new meaning for me) I bought my ticket.
After guilt pangs and trying to make a 7 month understand how much mummy loves him , the infant raised his hand when I said bye and that was it. Teary eyed mama drove off into the chennai airport .

After a 6 months of ba ba black sheep the chennai airport is a rude shock at 6 am. people in red mufflers, fresh malli poo and e tickets fight at the entrance. I remembered all this and got in . went through the check in and security after fighting with three ladies who thought we stood in a line to pass time. They were apparently shy to do security alone . By now I realised I had not lost my chennai touch . All motherhood and maternal feelings are nice with a seven month old , thrown into the real world the chennai citizen in me still lives.

So I sit at the gate reading a paper. Everyone around me is eating. Mamis had fresh idlis and chilli powder. Bengalis fresh from their Apollo hospital visits have tea in the hand. Gujratis had kakra. I could have managed a bowl of cerelac maybe. Everyone looked so fresh and clean. I looked sleepy , laptop , papers and bundled in. I took out my fleece and covered myself. I was off to Moscow so a 27C should not really deter me. Babies were squealing all dressed in great finery. My poor Akhil doesnt have such luck. He never gets such fine clothes. Pure cotton onesies and a pant if mama is in the mood.No black dots and threads to ward off evil eyes. Only T minic cough drops .

So we got on the Bus. One heavy duty vaadhyar boards. with a big naamam he could stop a plane in mid air with that symbol Lord Balaji ´s naamam maybe a tad smaller. the man is bare chested , but all neatly shaved or waxed . He takes out 2 Apple I phone 4 and talks to his clients. I am going to Delhi , cant come. Then to his mami . Enna di airport vandachu.
Then comes THE FAMILY. father mother two kids. We reach the plane. Everyone wants to get in . Well if we have come so far , the plane will take all of us. But Indians like to be first so eevryone wants to get in first. So we go in. No place in overhead cabin already. The ladies have all taken out their tiffin boxes. One auntyji took out bread, spread amul butter and kissan jam and gave all the munna munnis on the flight. How did she manage to take a knife through security ? Well I guess between a blunt knife and a razor sharp tongue? The tongue won.

I realised someone was sitting on my seat. So I said Sir this is my seat. Three men got up. Shook three other men in the adjacent row. They discussed it for 5 minutes and the man sat in my seat again. I said Sir I have that seat. But madam this is also seat. Ok trading a middle seat for an aisle is a good trade off. So i sat with my hand bag and belonging under my leg. With smells of food wafting around I was now really hungry. As the flight took off , the meal service started. At 150 Rs for a sandwich I was dreaming of a fat enriched mayo dripping beautiful piece of cholestrol. When the cart came to our seat , I said could I get a sandwich. The steward a desi version of Zeus and his friend artemis says No maam we have no sandwiches. Ok cake? No ok what do u have. Cookies and cashews. Well why cant I have sandwiches? It got over. How can sandwiches get over? I dont mind non veg also. Maam today everyone decided to eat sandwiches. Ah so thats the official excuse. Everyone gets up and says today lets eat jet airways sandwich. So i take some bad cashewnuts and chew slowly. We have 2 hours of flight to kill.

The uncle adjacent to me has a Vivanta taj snack box. Which he keeps proudly on his tray table. in fact he even refused to fold it during take off lest the box goes through some stress. Out comes banana chips, one apple, one banana , one bottle water. after all this uncle reclines and decides to sleep. Uncle 2 behind him , who has a sri krishna sweets bag , lots of management books , one studious looking spectacle calls Artemis and says ask that man to push his seat. To which vivanta uncle says , i boarded this flight in kochi(explains banana chips) at 6 so i got up at 3 and drove to airport without morning tea , i reach delhi by 11 and reach home by only 12.30 so i am tired and need to sleep. but other uncle says go to hell and pushes from back. but vivanta uncle just snores through it.

While all this happens THE family comes into role. The baby is crying. Well she had been since we boarded. But by now she is howling . The mother just sits quiet and smiles benignly at us. the Uncle who lost the seat battle now wants to win the baby battle . He calls Artemis. Pls. ask baby to keep quiet. Artenmis says yes sir. Now I wanted to see how a child is going to take instructions from artemis and say oh sorry for crying I will just shut up . the crying reaches new heights. All the men in the near shake their heads . the women all mutter. the mother feeds her other child and husband with a wailing baby. This was a new skill for me. Everyone was looking at the lady . Me only a 7 month mom decided to plunge right in. Do you have a dummy? She looks at me strangely. Something to chew? Some milk or candy? Some cotton for the ears , a toy or board book? Having exhausted babycenter´s 10 tips for travelling with infants I sit back . Maybe I should hold the baby. But I think if only my husband was there to restrain me Well in a long time I dont smell of spit ups. Do I really want to chance a punjabi thali meal coming on my dress . I decide to shut up. After an hour , the father after eating his fill. slowly gets up and carries the toddler. the child looks really terrible. uncontrollable sobs , runny nose , cold feet . The father walks hesitantly and within seconds the child falls asleep. meanwhile two men in front pull out an ipad and place it in th tray table. I crane my neck , to see if any free movies are coming on. For my luck its his home video collection. Fat ladies dancing at home in front of a TV . Dadaji dadiji eating ladoo. Munna Munni dancing like movie stars . One munni singing . Oh god . first no food now no entertainment. I miss my akhil.

Atleast we land in 30 minutes . At this point jet airways gives out some scratch cards . Apparently they sell stuff no one needs on board and also have a scratch and win contest. In fine print it says pay only 699 for the pick up of the gift. Three auntyjis pull out their hairclips and start scratching. They all get same gifts. They call Artemis and complain. Stoic artemis explains in jet airways language we understand your disappoint but this is the contest. Anyway auntjis are happy. something free .

Soon we land at the posh delhi airport . The hostess says jet airways aapko delhi antarashtriya bla bla swaagath.... By now auntyjis cant wait for gift. they get up . Artemis says behto behto . Elderly auntyji says they will say that you go in front. But gravity takes care of evrything and small size aunty sits.

By now we can use mobiles . A hundred nokia tunes burst into the flight along with some chamak challo tunes and skanda shashti sthrotram( mr. vaadyar had logged in)
Some people had luggage all over the flight. they jump, signal and get in line. One man decides to jump in front. literally squeezing my hand. I wait patiently. My fellow passengers says madam please get up. I will but where do u want me to go. But they decide to plaster me to my seat and move. So I thought I better fight my way too . I stand and the man behind me mutters apparently he would get out one nano second after me. That is a long wait.

So we come out on to the luggage belt . the new airport looks excellent. Its full of people and food places. Screaming kids, tired mothers, angry mother in laws, cozy honeymooners with mehendi . Hundreds of people come to receive their guests . Its so nice to be in a posh indian airport !

I get into my car and drive to the hotel. Gurgaon looks impressive. At the hotel I am the only desi . Wow this is also India. Phoren kids in their sunday clothes quietly jumping on the bouncy castle while the parents eat oysters and sip champagne . The prices are steep , expat prices you see . Well I yearn for the airport samosa but now I will also be a posh desi , sip my virgin mojito and dig into my pak choy while watching pictures of akhil on my really cheap nokia ....

The Great Indian Room makeover

In our new Sub urban Chic avatars we bought Bauhaus tables , Roche bobois chaise lounges , the Shanghai Tang lamp and then decided to bring it in to our gated comm unties . First is to bring it in through the staircase so that all neighbours notice that you know habitat from ikea .After this globe trotter furniture orgy indulgence I asked Kalimuthu and Vairamuthu to put the furniture down , they scratched their heads which meant 20 rs tea money . One more scratch of the head meant Tea money at USD rates . See this is phoren furniture . If you can buy furniture that can scald your credit card , then the Muthu twosome should get some decent tea to go with it. The M brothers then ask Ma can we remove the plastic on the chairs ? Remove the plastic on the chairs ? NO NO . Aiya will do it later. Aiyah doing it later means it will never get done .

The Muthu brothers give me a look , this is what happens when women do men´s work.
So we have textured walls , state of the art furniture which we have no idea how they looked as they are all cocooned in bubble wrap. Every time guests come the bubble wrap is carefully folded , and the visitors are signalled to mount their backsides politely on the settee . When someone says very comfortable , just slides in. My husband looks at me. He would never know , all that he knows is when he gets comfortable the bubble wrap starts getting all bubbly and with a silent stern I look at him. We cant waste bubble wrap .

But not only our sofas get the plastic treatment my in laws ensure that the microwave is covered in plastic , the TV remote has so much plastic we sometimes don't know which channel we press. My 1995 camera and 2002 mobile phone still have the plastic stuck on to them with cello tape. The screen is cracked and the numbers doused in turmeric powder. Between A & D there are pieces of appalam that never come out but the screen is completely plastered.The Tv has a plastic cover and a cloth cover . My maid constantly covers the bathroom shelves with so much newspaper that my teeth turned whiter just reading the headlines from a 2 year old paper.

Then one day my husband says Oh you know our neighbours have this Roche bobois chair seems extremely comfortable , you should try it . I give him the look of Satan . What do you mean . I am the Roche Bobois woman of the community. We were the first ones to buy it. Remember we dragged it all the way up 3 floors . He said this bubble wrap thingy is that chair . So I decide gloves off and exhibit the brand new chair . No one dares sits on it though. So I decide to get the 3M combo of Kali, Vaira and carpenter Cheena Muthu. Cheen comes in takes a look and says Madam , idha Rocha chair a . In local material I can make it for 10000. So cheena does the job. 10000 and the Bobois local thambi is up and working. So now with our textured walls we have one chair in bubble wrap and the local thambi chair that looks as chic as the original next to it. By now local thambi has had his fill of rasam , sambar and full south Indian meals doused on it. The original Anna sits in the corner with the bubble wrap contemplating the little crudite that fell on his lap and was quickly cleaned with sofa rage and Bang off .

In a few years we may soon forget that the chair actually has a colour , and a life. My maid says this is the best chair in the room, that cleaning it is so easy . Yes cleaning bubble wrap must be easy. We have since sold the old bubble wrap , bought new bubble wrap by selling one months aaavin covers and English newspapers(they have more value)but removing the wrap completely takes a lot of courage and a change in our plastic coated DNA

Kutcheri besh besh

The Music season in chennai is slowly coming to its end. When RTp and Kaapi mix with malli and keerai vadai , chennai comes alive for a month of music.

I have been going to the Academy from the time when Nalli´s sent pavadais home on consignment basis and bodice pavadai with a big tuck was the in thing . As a seven year old it was mandatory that I went to all kutcheris at the Academy from 4 in the evening. The accompanying members would all change but I was the constant.
I would be asked to carry the program booklet , mark the ragams , put the thalams , keep the kanadis and reserve the seat with my kerchief . I didn't mind all this if in return I got my daily fix of pocorn and five star chocolate . The Academy canteen was taboo for me and I had not yet discovered that you could sneak in for a quick sugar fix.

Normally Patti would take me for the stellar kutcheris. Going with patti came with a lot of pre requisites. I had to wear the Nalli pavadai , hair in single jadai , December poo and jimkis. I had to sit and put all the thalams and identify ragams . In return Patti was very generous. When the RTp started she would open her money purse and give me a 5 rupee note for my goodies. The only painful job was if she spotted a diamond shining in any ear at a km radius she would ask for her kanadi and zoom in on the stone in question, I then had to walk by the mami and check 8 stone , open setting bling bling bling . But normally all the other pattis were busy doing the stone probe so it was not so bad.

Going with thatha was a terrible experience. Thatha would sleep so you had to keep putting thalam .... even during RTp. when the musician started ta nam tha , I could smell the popcorn in golden hues frothing over the machine .I would nudge thatha for my 5 rupees. Thatha would then start in the year 1930 I was in Loyola college 2 annas got me one dosa and coffee I would save one anna and keep it for my books .... and then would come the Wholesale price index of 1930 followed by the deterioration of moral values since . By now I had no appetite for popcorn and was happy thatha would go back to sleep and i could keep putting the thalam.

I remember attending Semangudi´s kutcheri once , when someone got up mid way through a song. The old maestro stopped singing and spoke into the mic sir you seem to be in a hurry we will wait. I was always scared that one day they would catch me with popcorn frothing at my mouth .... and patti could then say now we will see who in mylapore marries you.
Amma normally came with me for the dance program. Amma is strict in keeping traditions. So pavadai was just de rigeur , a gagra maybe .

Dance was always the glamour den. You had to be noticed and to be noticed you had to dazzle . But I liked the dances because the popcorn break came built in . They had clearly thought of people like me .

I was always fascinated at how some enthusiastic mama´s were . They would be fast asleep , and even snoring then suddenly get up at random and say bale , besh . The mami´s would always compliment with an inbuilt criticism . I felt the ragam was a bit superficial. The violin was a little loud. Mic was not ok . Some rasikas would read, some even do a sudoku now days . Some even try to talk to the musician , like saying reduce the mic, move back etc.

When I graduated from the Nalli´s bodice pavadai to the more femine pavadai davani my role in the kutcheri scene also evolved. See we had a cousin brother to be married . Rosapoo colour , well educated , dollar salary , respectful to parents , religious does sandhya vandanam in new york cold. In short hey mami catch him before he catches next door Mary or Susie.So we had to go for the kutchery even before the doors were opened. This was very important in marking out the prey . I was then asked to take a good look at all these girls . I had to file past and take a good look , diamonds tick , sari tick , homely looking tick . Who has she come with tick and also did I know her from school that was a major tick. Sometimes Patti had some preys already waiting . So at the appointed time me and my cousin had to walk past and pretend he was buying me popcorn and she would buy the same and looks could be exchanged. Later on I had to give the full nayaka nayaki avarum nokinan ... sanchari bhava to a rapt audience . Years later my husband confessed he had once been taken to a similar hunt . The only problem with this carefully laid out hunt is , he being who he is was seated in the front row . So all the preys ended up at the back . So he was asked to turn in a gradual natural motion and zoom in. He said every time he did , the mami behind would glare back at him . Somehow after this image of a stern Pattu mami glaring like a light house with diamonds on ear , nose and neck, fantasies of a bevy of good looking girls filing past were immediately squashed.

When I reached marriageable age , I was not asked to carry program booklets anymore , rather carry myself with grace. I didnt make much of an impression on the hunts , as I was living in Mumbai and in advertising ... My patti wasnt sure if the Mylapore crowd would find that a red flag . So I actually got to enjoy kutcheris with just the requisite of having to look like a good family girl.

The crowd at the sabhas seem to now include the NRI brigade who are now the backbone at many sabhas. They take over all the hotels near by and can be spotted in their haversack with a bisleri bottle and sanitiser. The mami´s will be in the most brightest silks . The NRi with his flowing kurta, crocs and a little fruit of the loom vest peeping out is the most knowledgeable. He shuns the oily food , brings his own pecan nuts , takes out his kindle and never misses a beat. They usually know the musicians well and will tell you of how Sanjay stayed at their home in LA and Aww did he like my pongal. And then continue inga mari illa mami .

Now as a married woman I get to enjoy kutcheris , watch the mami´s still in their lovely silks discussing the singer´s vaira thodu and pothy´s pattu very much like how MS blue became a rage with the elderly women.The canteens have become very important. The caterer in the canteen reflects on the management of the sabha. Some mama´s can be seen sneaking out to have a bonda and halwa while mami is inside lost in the music . One mama confessed , mami romba strict , cholestrol irokono so only olive oil and oats at home. The crowd in the sabhas are as knowledgeable about the RTP as they are about the bonda chutney outside. Many youngsters throng the sabhas and clearly the accent is on the arts . Wannabe mamis like myself in our designer cottons and clutch bags keep a keen eye on little girls in pavadais . Just to see if they put thalam in the kutchery and one day become a modern girl with traditional values.
Till then we have put away our music booklets away and warmly await the next margazhi when chennai puts out its most melodious face.

Navratri

As a six year old, I waited for the nine days of kolu . It first meant quarterly exams and a quarter of school year had finished. It also meant I would get a pattu pavadai . See on my paternal side I am the only girl . The family legend has it that Goddess Meenakshi was invoked to deliver me thus and my Patti thought my name as Meenalochini would be more apt . Thanks to being the only girl available on hand. the elder women would run riot at my expense. First a patti pavadai , then amma pavadai would be bought. Then my maternal grandma from Mumbai would buy a gagra choli . Now all this had to be designed for the nine days of festivities. Then the three women ,the two grand mothers and mother would catch me and sock me into a corner . Then decide to plait my hair with the whole of Chennai´s flower market . Well people who have seen me know I am not peitite but just made small, at age 6 trust me that size was smaller than small. with the burden of Flowers I could barely lift off ground. But the two grandmas would have their typical in our family the tradition is ... well it ended in dousing a flower basket on my little head .
After I was able to get myself on two limbs the next was the careful planning of what song to sing in whose house. The pattu master would be asked to teach me navratri songs. Well it would always end up as Ra re venu or vara veena . When my mom realised I was singing the same song after three navratri editions she decided singing was not my thing much to the relief of the poor bhagavathar.
Once all the ladies were dressed ,we would pile ourselves into an ambassador car and drive from navratri to navratri .
It is one time of the year when women don't stay home after 5 , eat junk food, come back late and only worry about the next day´s pattu sari. Now , at navratris the sundal is the highlight . From pattu mami´s kondai kadalai sundal being too salty to the kerala mami´s payuru sundal doused in coconut . We would eat the packet and then criticise the contents. I would be content sitting in the front seat of the ambassador eating all the sundal and happy that home work was such a distant concept.

Some over enthusiastic mamis will tell sundal only if you sing. Ok mami if you insist I will belt out ra ra venu for the 100 th time .
Now kolus come in different varieties- the eating ones and the decorative ones. The eating ones are with that sole purpose , you go there say hi , caress some silk saris , some jimkis , roll call on marriages and then go for the bonda bajjis. I love the bondas with chutney and kesari. Over the years the mamis have started adding pizzas and noodles . I was so happy that I didnt have to come home and have to slug through amma´s nutritious meal schemes.

The decorative kolus , the category where our family is the heavy weight ,is all about bringing out the dolls. The dolls in our house belonged to my paternal great grand mother . so the dolls do not have sri devi´s nose and aishwarya rai´s pout. We have two gowri bommais that is the pride of our navratri. Every year the dolls are dressed to theme . We managed some years even changing their sex by adding fillings in require areas !!the doll´s dresses were stitched from dupattas and the theme was highly debated at home. The whole family would paint , cut , stick and polish.

Always before the first guest arrived one part of the mountain landscape usually the mountain itself, would rumble and some cotton wool would fall over. This was interpretd as a good omen, removing all the bad eyes for the evening.

As the years progressed , navratris had a more sinister meaning. My grandmom would coax me to invite any girl from an age group of 15 up wards . She would then say Ponnu yaaru. Aaah padivala? . And she would then annpunce annaku pakalam . I would then say No patti , she is a mean girl doesnt share her food .... I couldn't think of having any of my friends married to my brother . My patti would then say ivala nambina kalyaname nadakathu.

If any girl wore any jewellery worth the bling. Patti would put on her glasses and pour closely at the yellow metal .

When i graduated from the pavadai davani to sari. My role in the navratri world changed. It was no longer eating humble sundal. I constantly had to answer what my future plans were and how I was modern girl with family outlook . whatever that meant.

By this time the sundal itself was slowly disappearing and the grand sweets and sri krishna took over. The ladoo mixture combo reigned supreme . The thamboolam got fancier with disco bindi and fancy kumkum.

Many years I was away during kolu and would try to re create my own sad kolu. All the trunks would be dressed in table cloth and all the 4 dolls arranged to bring on volume . A whole day of slogging to make indian sundal eatable by spanish women. My maid would make gazpacho with coriander for the Indian touch. She tried making other stuff until i made her understand that our gods were fussy eaters and ate only stuff they knew . Clams and gamba al ajillo are not their thing. She found that strange that our gods ate our food and were fussy too!!The spanish women would all come, put on their bindis sing besame mucho eat their sundals and keep chatting till 10 at night. My mother once witnessed this spectacle and said it was the most tiring kolu she saw.

After years, I am in Chennai dressing dolls before navratri . My hair is what my Patti would call bob cut . The doll´s dresses are now all got ready-made. We insisted that kolu has to be a home grown initiative , so we sent the dolls blouse to our local tailor. He became all excited and stitched Sita´s forest garb with all kinds of fancy cuts that she looks more like a model for forest fashion 2010. We have laid out fresh lawn and try hard to keep the little ones of the house away including a dog that finds it disorienting to have a garden in a bed room .

The sundal packets are getting ready and the dolls have all been taken out for their 9 days of glory under the made in china decorative lights. We the women are dotting round town with packets in hand . People now dont ask me do I sing but rather do I play chess ? One lady wanted to know if I could have a chess theme navratri . Well someone did Michael Jackson .... If Chennai Navratri has evolved to beat it a check mate cant be very far away

The Voice of God

Chennai has been through the month of Aadi. Apart from everything being on discount we have had our ears seared with blaring music from all temples . Every weekend the local temples put a loudspeaker , make porridge and generally see that we all wake up in a bad mood and black eyed.
Why do we need loudspeakers in temple. Is it for us to know there is God , is it that loudspeakers are just cheap , or more importantly is it for god to hear his disciples. Imagine God up there every year has this loudspeaker gone wild session. He or she would would ensure us yes he or she do exist and they do not have a hearing problem .
After a weekend of an Aaatha screaming woodstock kind of fest , I was in no mood for another weekend of Aatha being drummed down my ears. So at 4.30 a.m. I call the police station and tell Saar what is the rule for loudspeaker , The police says SI speaking 6 am ma . OK saar we cant sleep the noise is unbearable . Within ten minutes the jeep comes , the police man calls me and says ma we are here what do you want us to do. I say Saar you hear a deafening noise chase them . Aah you want us to follow the noise . Yes I say, Ok OK . We will put on our siren and scare them. Then after ten minutes we hear Aaatha on a fainter note and tug at our blankets.When SI calls Madam can we see you . See me ? For what Si. So that ma you know we came . I said I know you came. I am not flashing my nightie at a pot bellied cop at 4 am . So ten minutes later the aaatha volume is turned up again. I call my friendly SI .. and say saar no respect for the police these people have turned up the volume . He says dont worry mam god is there he will teach them a lesson . I say Saar you see God doesnt take complaints and come with a siren so I cant tell him in a direct way .
BUt God if you are up there please dont wait till after life to throw the aatha brigade in hell .. just mute their loudpspeakers for now...

The Aunty from Phoren

When Bata heeled us , and mostly only after the shareholder coupon came in. The Ambassador took the whole neighbourhood to school and Doordarshan delighted us with wonder balloon and kanmani poonga. The aunty from phoren was a much awaited arrival. Moment Aunty would come all of us would put on our best frocks and be asked to entertain aunty with loud carnatic music and dance wthout any music. Then aunty would then go Wow thats awesome and put her hand into her sack of goodies. This is why we loved aunty . She would come with a box full of gifts to be distributed. She had gifts according to relations and how much the desi mama sucked up to the green card . Since we were tier 1 we always got our first pick. frocks in bright colours , ribbons , lip stick , stickers and then toys that came free with mc. donalds. Those days we thought you had to have really done some major karma to get these goodies. Aunty would not drink our water or eat our food , but would wear bright silk saris and lots of malli poo . Our cook would say maha lakshmi powder potta namma rukumani thaan.She would always tell us about back home ... where you could buy 100 chocolates at the same time .100 chocolates patti would say ... Kamakshi did you hear that where my daughter lives she can buy 100 chcoolates !! . Even patti was enamoured by the phoren daughter. Patti would get american snow for her face , hundreds of used plastic dabbis for keeping her vibhuti colection and of course the chocolates.I wasnt sure whether I really liked this aunty . I always thought she was more of a santa mami . Everytime someone came home she would hug them and go Aww and give a gift. My poor amma always had the worst of the Aunty. She had to cook meals with mineral water , the rice had to be the right glycemic index and in return amma always got advice on how to keep a good home , and how to freeze food in plastic dubbas .Amma never understood what was the point of cooking too much , stuffing it in a dubba and putting a sticker on it. Amma would get lots of make up and conditioner with the strict warning that they were prized possesions from sams club pick of the month .
Aunty would buy mops , duster cloths for the servants . Those poor souls would keep the duster cloth safely ,they thought a phoren cloth had to be used only on phoren stuff .. so only the computer got its weekly spa ritual.

Amma always was proud of my long hair . It was something she had nurtured for years with oil and shika. Even during the worst drought , water would be hand pumped for my head bath. So Amma would then take a little of Aunty´s conditioner and rub it all over my hair . That condtioner bottle saw me through my school years. It came to our house when I was three and even managed my school graduation. If I had a dance program Amma would even be liberal and use two drops of the conditioner.

Over the years the aunty has had to try hard to win our love . Her wonder shredder and magic bullet doesnt cut with Amma. She is the queen of micro wave now and can very easily can have a kolu of only tupper ware . She tells Aunty try our Tupper dabbas they even have anjali pottis , you know and they are even dish washer safe.. you should take it back home

Aunty finds it hard to now be just a normal aunty . Her american tamil is no longer new . Every girl speaks american better than the americans . Her back home stories dont excite us anymore . But now aunty decided to bring her daughter and her kids to up the buzz around her .She would insist that her grand kids bathed in our bubble top water and that only expensive milk was given to them. Even brushing teeth would be only with Aquafina ( pronounced Acca fina by our thambis).

Even patti finds that tough to swallow. Yen di Raks ( see Rukumani went through the american loop and came out raks)it is too much i say if vegetables are washed so much there will no taste...
But aunty´s daughter , aunty jr. our cousin tries hard to be one of us. Although she hates our guts when we jump into any auto or leap out to attack any man calling them saar . And she cant understand how suddenly we insist we are ladies and say saar konjam side . She undersatnds we are the power mamis . we have our madisars and our vodka and back home is preferably a nice place in chennai .Even back in her home .. they find that tough to follow... because in the end namma vazhi is always thanni vazhi....

Kalyana Kathaigal

Im in Chennai in the middle of Kalyana season . The whole day goes in trying to get into the tight silk blouses and ferrying vethlai bags .
In Chennai kalyanams are taken seriously . It is the only place where I know that you can have 3 invites on the same day and in the same hour slot!So this is how the chennaiite does it.
Did the invite come by post or courier ? Are we boys side or girls side? Then comes did they come personally ? Who came ? Parents or tier 1 relatives. Then the ultimate tie breaker. Who cooks in the wedding?
Mountbatten Mani , Arusuvai , Saapadu Raman , Kalyana Raman , Mambalam Mahalingam ...
Now a days though the Mambalam tribe have deserted good sambar sadam for wontons and chocolate fondue. Many a mamis find it difficult to juggle the giant appalam in a sea of Iyer made Curry leaf tempered Original Chinese noodles.

Once we have deciphered where we go first , sit longest and eat the husband and wife make a complicated plan.

You arrive at the wedding. First the men move to the left and women to the right . Young girls are deciphered slowly the boys in Hawaii chapals and American returned cologne are slowly recorded and mentally matched.

As Husband and wife sit separately and wife is immersed in mami tales . The mama on the other side can feel the bile rising in his stomach. Ducking and weaving the relatives of the couple he signals furiosuly to mami . the modern day mama would sms saapad? in the good old days a pavadai clad girl would be sent Mami, mama is calling.
But first you have to mark attendance , then hand the gift, avert the meals ready look of the relatives. Collect the thamboolam bag and run to the next.

Handing the gift is a skill in itself. You learn to squeeze past the bouquets and land right at the stage. If you are important the photographer is summoned, if you are not you are told how dear you are.

Then comes the reason we women love weddings. You don't cook , you get to dress , not have to sit next to a complaining husband and bitch without bother. So when you get to the Elai sapad and sample the buckets being emptied. You are confronted by the videographer. He knows exactly how to capture a pattu mami with a papadum in her mouth or a mama vehemently fighting with the cook that no mundris came his way. For me i find it tough to have the poli dipping with ghee and jangri all in one go and a flash light attacking me.

But all of is who have had videos of our weding. How many times have we seen it and how many times in that have we leapt out of our husband's heart and on to a rose bunch. I managed it 6 times and I also managed to have my head morphed into a chess queen and chase the king all Over 64 squares.The videographer explained madam special effects .... my patti thought it was a bad omen to have my head cut off on my wedding video.

Nowadays you don't just attend weddings you have to sing , dance , socialize all at same time .
But I serious love the wedding season. Where else can we see on a muhurtham day , vadhyars taking no entry and telling the cop Saar muhutham time coming close pls.adjust. Or ladies in their scooty with their brightest sari and matching helmet. In December we can ever get the matching ear muff (the current chennai haute accessory) in leopard print toying with the maatal.
Wedding season is when chennai takes stock of its soon to be married youngsters in a way that even the census may not be able to keep up. But when aadi arrives apart from aadi thalupadi you have to re adjust those silk blouses for the next season....

till then mama and mami can keep themselves busy emptying thambaloom packets and recycling gifts till the next manjai patrikai comes along....

Cleanliness is next to godliness

By now you all have been introduced to my maid . The days when she comes and I am there I get a sneak preview into what makes this woman tick. Bring god into everything , give a Arasi look with zoom in zoom out action when asked why did u break my jar... if Madam is still not relenting ... turn on the taps. In a nutshell she is my maid. In my head I have boxed her , cajoled her and also think of a life where I dont stand by the lift at 8.30 like a pit bull awaiting her arrival and then turn into a little lap dog when i see my floor pressed .


My maid is honest , never lies never cheats and never robs. So I indulge her superstitions. Which are let me quote . When I have my ladies days I dont collect godly rubbish. Ok thats reasonable. On amavasai I light lamp , make payasam and vadai come late for work. No maid No. Ok I bring crunchy masala vadais to work. Ok then amavasai is forgiven. She does make very good vadai . That gives my cook a vadai complex.
Ok on Fridays I dont collect garbage . Why . It is godly day . Ah . That is not happening. But you see Friday is clean day . Ok Ok clean is always good .
Then comes killing insects and animals . In India we all run little abattoirs seeing how to put a lizard in trance use a bata chapal to down the roach. keep cakes for rats .... Its a chenobyl in the back yard.
Maid says Tuesday Friday no animal murders . Ah but if animal is running around what can I do . Maid says no ma that lizard will send us to hell. By this point I realise I am going there anyway and in all probability dragging maid with me . So i take out the plastic bag.... and sparing you the lizaard hara kiri kill the thing. Ma maid says have bath and light lamp ... your sin will go .
I chew slowly ... then of course comes PMS. she has serious PMs . When the bad moon rises maid has problems with iron man , cook , gardener. So when its Pms time I shout at my husband stop throwing garbage the next four days there is no garbage bag removal. Husband thinks its not even your bad moon thats rising why do I deal with 2 PMS every month. Good question husband ... today is TGIF you see maid is in godly mode and my devil avatar is hanging out ... and this devil doesnt even wear prada .. just good old bata hawai .. because the hawai chapal can kill a Roach with one phat no prada or choo can come close.. for some its TGIF and for its OH GGIF oh god its friday

Togetherness is love

Have you tried navigating a trolley full of luggage into Chennai airport sweeping past hordes of relatives all huddled together waving at their wards . With promises to return soon , eat medicines , produce babies , write emails , pray to god ,all hanging in the air. The wards you can see have their hearts torn between two continents and their clothing reflects their nostalgia shared. sparkling nike and leather jacket jostles for space with jimki and malli poo which will all be tucked away till the next trip back . As we try to wrestle these persistent relatives who are so moved by the situation they refuse to budge . Me not known for physical might but tongue power I have been bestowed by the almighty try to tell them ,please move. they stand their transfixed waiting to catch the little pinky of the good bye . Many times I have been trampled on or have my suitcases thrown down or have relatives trying to enter the airport along with me .
Which brings me to my scientific research findings. For each adult that leaves Chennai airport an average 2.1 adults accompany them. If there is baby add another 1.7 , bigger children you can add another.7 . If they are fully grown and I mean American size growth minus about.485 adults . So for each family going to America there is a send off party of 4 adults , 8 massive cases , half of grand sweets , RMKV pothy´s and a sprinkling of nalli. Not to mention mixer grinder , sumeet mixie all forming part of the send off experience .
have you noticed Indians do very few things in solitude. Except the utmost neccesity...I had to have some injections for an allergy . The doctor said 5 injections over 10 days.Every time the nurse would take me in she would pull the curtain and peep outside and wait . After the third . poke me quick I can get out experience , she asked me if I was married. I said yes , mother in same city. I said yes . Is it relevant . So nurse says , madam you always come alone . No one to come with you . Why I ask ? Normally women come with some one . Really I ask. See I dont relish having these injections and I dont really think my husband is very fond of seeing needles. My mom would freak out if she saw blood . So trust me I am better off. Nurse looks very strangely at me and takes in her next normal patient , lady with mother , water bottle , napkin etc etc.
Next I run to buy furniture. I see in the store full families shopping , debating sitting , jumping , sleeping on mattress . I run in ask do you have a sofa for 20,000 . Good Is it fittable in my living room. Good. send it over buddy. The sales man says madam do you want to look. No . Want to come back. No. Just send it . My husband never really notices the sofa as long as I can clean all the food we can spill on it . So sofa in solitude retail is good
Then enter a sari shop. This is the shop I dread most . When all the fancy saries are thrown at me I dont know what to do . I look quickly . Ok this sari looks reasonable . It has a blouse piece. Good that saves me the headache of finding mera wala green.While I try to pay , you see full families looking through saris. The husband says green is not your colour. The mother says in muted tones ... your mother in law is paying buy more fancy sari . the wife wants a Vidya balan ensemble . Put all this together you have a two hour family shopping experience where saris are seen in tube light , no light and the taken out on the road to see in natural light . Do we actually wear our saris on busy T nagar streets for its natural colour to show ??The experience is then followed by snacks and tea .
Many times when husband is away I bring on the calorie mela. Parantas doused in butter , vadas with ghee and brownie and muffin . So I like to go to these swanky cafe shops and pretend to be cool and gorge on muffins. Every five minutes I get asked, madam is someone joining ... No I am here to eat so that when my husband returns we can go back to bircher museli and stewed fruit... They look at me strangely. Every time a person walks in they look at the person and me and see if there is some buzz!sometimes flattering sometimes you think aiyo yo
Why do we have to be together all the time ... In India if you buy a curtain , the family has bought a curtain . Everyone will visit to see the curtain , the nice ones say eh cool. The older ones say is this a curtain , looks like some cloth has been attached . In our times curtain meant a curtain ... Ok I get the point
Ok I never invited you for curtain seeing ceremony. Now that you are here have the bajis and move on . I hate this come and see my house I have new curtains. And how does that change my curtains. Why do we need to see your curtains or sofa ... But we always see the curtain and say oh nice and on the drive home you bitch ... that curtain is so bad. My god how can you buy that curtain. But in family retail law do unto your curtain what other do unto theirs
Abroad we have burst crackers in our yard and no one turns and looks ... or question. But in India togetherness is love and you can never have enough of that, although love at times is 24x7 indulgence

Tagged

Thanks Sowmya of www.ssstoryteller.blogpost.com !for tagging me . Didnt know what I had been tagged for... but figured it out . Sorry didnt know who to tag in return
7 things about myself

* When I was about 5 in our school for some reason we had to collect neem seeds . I collected goat droppings sincerely and insisted that they were neem seeds.
* Around that time . Sorry the interesting bits in my childhood all happened the same year I think . I kept asking my mom to cut my hair similar to a doll I had. This doll had come from Singapore and doll and me wore same dress , had same pillow, etc. My mother said that if I had a fringe I would become cross eyed. Seeing that there were no fringe benefits in rolling my eyes and looking cute. ( I still get a lot done by rolling my eyes and producing tears at short notice) I decided to chop my hair myself . MY mother while combing my hair realized that parts of it were missing. So I came up with a story that a girl in school had cut it off interjected it with tears and big eyes. My parents were keen to catch this hair cutter monster I had created. As luck would have it my brother surfaced with a dustbin full of hair and a scissor hidden deep beneath
*My dad once caught me going triples outside Ethiraj! We were all dressed in a strange outfit with leg bands and pony tails. We were going for a dance competition .
*In hostel we used to steal butter and bun and hide it under our bed .
*Everyone thinks I play chess. I dont
*My brother and me had an idea to make chocolates called kozhava . It meant rolling chocolate and cheese into balls and freezing them. We thought we could become millionaires . My other cottage industries included mixing milk and pencil shavings to make rubbers . Start a lending library. We kind of couldn't work the partnership agreement as to how the empire would be divided and it fell through
* Extremely lazy to actually do anything , but hyper active once I start...

washing our dirty linen

Recently an article piqued my interest. A million euro diamond bustier had been made and presented.
Can you imagine if you got a diamond bustier. You wear it in Chennai for a nice kalyanam and all the pothy´s pattis and rmkv rakkamas go ¨besh besh romba nalla irriku¨. Now once you have the dress that grabs more headlines than skin you cant repeat it. All the women will say too much ya, always wearing this pala pala dress . Well if I bought something for a million trust me I might not have much left for the next bling thing.
Ok now I have this dress , wore it , burnt a few mami´s and mami wannabes . Now what do I do with this. Since I have worn it when Chennai is in Agni Nakshatram mode , do I send it for laundry or wash at home.
My laundry man is a sweet guy. You give him a garment and tell him ¨kalayanithala payasam fell saar. He takes a chalk piece and marks it out . sends it to his laundry and gives it back. the only stain that went was the chalk . But I like him and gives me special privileges since I am the Chess Anand Mrs. If I went with bustier he will think this chess anand mrs is slightly mandai kolar variety. imma thundu dress kudthu madam ore koovurthu
What do I tell him , wash clean dry clean press...
just give the stones back ....
Or maybe I will wash it at home . I do all my washing myself . I have the brain , samsung has the brawn and we save a lot of money ( sung to tune of I have the brain....) Ok so I wash it and tell maid hang it to dry. Maid is maha enthu and by now you realise most of my posts are dedicated to her .
What do I tell her. Dry it without wringing its neck ... no dry it on my bed ... no dont even touch it .. since maid has a hand of death as far as chess anand´s shirts are concerned. White shirts turn blue and blue shirts take on pink... well thats why i wash clothes myself... so a diamond bustier what can it become ... a sack of stones
and then promptly iron man( by the way he doesnt talk to maid ... ok labour relation techniques another post)will takes all the coal from newcastle and my bustier will be moved closer to its carbon sister.

What do you do when you are supposed to feel a million dollars . Go overboard and actually buy it . I would gladly like to feel 499 Rs. Fab India kurta sale . You wash it, you know the color will bleed, the husband´s shirt changes colour. You go to laundry , man says enna ma color ore run a . You say ammam pa. Sar shirt konjum urgent . he smiles. YOu come back stop by fab india ... and the whole cycle turns. Now when you try and want to feel a million euros on your bust you take away all this pleasure and of course what if you put on weight will you buy more diamonds to add on the bustier. fab india on the other hand they can go XXXXXL if u want.... in the same bleeding variety....of course if u do lose weight ... then you reduce a few stones on the scale I meant!!

Ore the love only

The V day is back. And what all is being offered . V day yoga poses claimed a web site. What is a V day yoga pose really?
Now what is this V day .
I remember in our convent school we used to huddle up in the library to read Women´s Era. That was the ultimate in Agony Aunt bashan . The girl always loved her neighbor but was shy to declare her love . Auntyji always said to write a poem , send a rose or tell a friend to declare it. Now we have the Cosmopolitan version of auntyji. 50 love tricks that never fail. Imagine us harried woman we have trouble remembering our Mother in law´s birthday. 50 tricks that have to be remembered and acted upon !
Ok I decided that if I am wasting so much money on these magazines I should execute at least one love trick. It said Surprise your loved one with a vacation . OK done. So I book a hotel in Berlin for my loved one´s birthday . I tell to loved one come to Berlin this hotel . So I arrive 2 hours before loved one should arrive. Enough time to execute the other 3 tips. Decorate room , have favourite food. Now favourite food was a chocolate cake baked with love in Madrid with frosting to cover the unpleasant curves on the cake ( I know what you are thinking) ok! Now this cake was squeezed into aluminum box. Indians always have tupper, zip pouch and aluminum cases in all sizes! So armed with all this I take a train then a plane then a bus and get to this love shack hotel . So I sit in hotel and think loved one will come in 2 hours . Enough time to play sudoku, freecell and laze. And while I am enjoying all this laze haze . Bell rings . So I open door and there I see loved one. I say what you , so fast . He said why ?? You have to come only by 13.00. He says yes I caught an earlier train. Aah earlier train. Now love tip doesnt have Plan B . If loved one arrives early say in chaste tamil Ona aaru early a vara solra . Loved one says Its my birthday you have to be nice. First you book a hotel and the concierge looks at me strangely and says the lady already checked in . I wanted to give a name like POcahontas at reception a la Notting Hill . But when they saw my face and height or rather the lack of it . My passport was asked . So out goes pocahontas and tip no . 11 , book room under spicy name .
Ok now I am physically pushing loved one and say wait outside five minutes .
Shut door and read the fire exit instructions. DO NOT PANIC !!
Panic . The chocolate cake is now being elbowed out of aluminium foil , where are the candles and there are no matches now . Where is the birthday gift. Why did I put it in end of suitcase. And loved one is banging door. By now I realized he is not loved one , but testing my patience . Loved one says open the door I cant stand outside with my luggage . Wait . Again knocks . What are you doing . I say Wait . He says where do you get these ideas. cant we do normal things .
Yes why cant we be Normal on Feb 14TH
How practical is actually buying red roses , filling a bed room with candles and then when the maid comes the next day and looks around a bed full of molten wax , what do you say , This Electricity always goes on feb 14!!
Or while you are doing a Gisele Bundchen from Victoria Secret , next door mami decides to surprise you with a bowl full of undai korambu. What do you say , Mami i am not open door now not even out of door for that matter...
V day is such a nice concept . You fantasize that a George Clooney would serve you Nespresso and a Michelin star chef would cook you a meal and there are roses and orchids and you are wearing a Gown. But even when I dream I have problems I dont wear gowns , first I dont get them in my size as kidswear is where I am mostly removing goofy and mickey from trousers ... Flowers I am allergic too . I love George Clooney and Nespresso , Chef I would prefer my mami´s rasam and potato roast.
You say it with roses, with words but when there is love you dont say it. When the gajar halwa looks more like a carrot that has been gored to a very unsweet death and the mixie lid flies off like a saucer taking its orange contents all over. A laugh from the other side and a hug is all that you need . Ok after that George Clooney can be arranged to bring in the coffee .....

The Great Indian Ketchup

Semai hot machi we are. Add tomato ketchup to that and we have a new blog entry....
We Indians can take credit for many things , but do you know what has been the best offerings that have bettered the lives of many people everyday. We gave the Germans the curry in their currywurst . From mere saurkraut and wurst and burst they have a chatpata currywurst . Then take our Colonial masters , we gave them Vindaloo , Balti and Curry Madras . How their lives have been spiced everyday thanks to our masala .We dont have anything in India called a curry powder , but we have our Indian tomato ketchup. Give an Indian a bottle of tomato ketchup and they will conquer the world. They will eat the saurkraut, the sheperd´s pie , the gulash , the works.

Why do we love tomato ketchup so much ? As a child we had only one variety of tomato ketchup . It came in a nice plump bottle . We would eat the ketchup with bread, dosa , vada , cutlet with finger chips and sometimes with our plain fingers. As the ketchup would decrease in the bottle we would find new ways to pull out the last drop . Long forks , broom sticks , back scratchers would all be put to entice the last few drops to come out to a waiting samosa.
But Indians have uses for tomato ketchup that would make Mr. Heinz blush like his tomato. We add to chinese manchurian, to paneer mutter. Even send it as a kitchen tip. When ketchup is only few drops in bottle , add few drops of water, masala and pour on bread as spread and win Ms, Eves tip of the month prize.

But the ketchup lives on even after its contents. The bottles are used as water bottle , when that use is over , its used as a stand for mosquito coil , even if that has been used up we keep money plants in it. What is better in a bed room , an empty ketchup bottle with money plants hanging out. Thats what I call kitsch decor !!

Now our ketchup masters have different flavours. Imli, chilli , chatpata , no onion , yes onion etc.
So now Ketchup becomes the main dish and you add anything as a filler to get the ketchup into the tummy. I bring back bottles of ketchup when Im back. My maid cant fathom how an Indian can make ketchup and even tea so spicy .

We once had family visiting us in Europe. So we took them to a tapas bar. We had bite sized portions of every imaginable vegetable dish . But our guests looked at the food and kept a stoic composure. While we chomped away the guests hesitantly kept looking at the waiters. Then they summoned courage and asked . Can we get some chilli ketchup.
The waiter said señora this is fine espanis food . No ketchup good sauce.
To which the family said what kind of place no ketchup only. In India even in Pizza hut they give so much free ketchup.
And then aunty became all brave and said . Not to worry I have this pizza hut ketchup sachet and chilli flake with me .
And much to the chargin of our waiter. The fine Spanish tapas were doused in good old tomato ketchup and chilli flakes and the aunties attacked the plates viciously.
Now that we were used to the aunty brigade and their ketchup sachets we suggested we would be fine and cultured and ask for Tabasco sauce wherever we went.

So at a fine restaurant the fish comes cooked in its delicate sauce with a whiff of fennel and a hint of saffron.
We Indians are not hint variety. We liked to lay it thick like our chunky tomato ketchup.
And then we pop the question
Haben sie Tabasco o einer piquant sauce bitte?
The waiter looks at us brings the bottle and watches. We sprinkle the plate with hot drops. No hint no whiff only tabasco.
See tabasco is the hermano mayor of our tomato ketchup . We treat it with respect . While all the guests look at us ,our dead tongues ( in Tamil naaku sethu pochu da anthu naadu lai) come back to lives while the poor European feels his tongue will be taken closer to his padre nuestro .
Why o Why do we love tomato ketchup so much. The free packets at Mc Donalds never satiate our appetite we need more of our tomato fix .
Maybe ketchup is one thing that unites our country´s tongues. Punjabi samosa , Marati vada pav, Good crisp Medhu vadai , Puchkas all can be enhanced with tomato ketchup. Thats the great Indian mother tongue .
But maybe, just maybe We are like this only.
Mind it!

Aunty mai kabhi nahi

See I think I am only 16.... Although my mom oscillates from wanting me to be 10 again to wanting me to act my age. But seriously how old do you think you are. No this is not a FB quiz where I will give you lonely pink cows .


The other day a youngish boy who I thought looked kinda cute came home. So I did this whole Im cool thing. Wear your sneakers , show your undies Im cool with it. While I was mentally regressing on the age factor . The boy comes to me and says Aunty thanks for the chocolate my amma also makes the same one. In my mind I was doing the Grease routine and terribly trying to stretch my imagination into Olivia´s skin tight stuff . The Aunty in me lept out. What I am aunty. No no I am not aunty call me Aruna. The boy then said after a while aren´t you and my mom kind of friends so you are aunty .
OK OK
One day a young photographer came to take pictures of my husband and me . She happened to be from the same college. See mentally I am still just passed out from college . When I still see a lecturer even at a wedding I am so scared she is going to ask me Why were you not in class! So I told this young thing . Ah same college. Do you kind of do the whole mall routine and stuff. She kept smiling and then opened her pierced tongue and told my husband ask aunty to come we need to take a picture. Aunty... oye I could be a santoor kind of aunty . people think I am your sister and then I am aunty. this reverse stuff is not nice.
I can be cool with the coolest of them
Conversely ...
I was in Germany and was carrying a whole lot of luggage see there is only so much of grand sweets a VIP box can take but ok I was about 10 kg overweight. I was travelling alone and hubby dear carries the heavy case puts it on the weighing scale the digits are moving ... and the woman looks at me and then at my husband . My eyes dart like a deer in the headlights. What would be worst paying or having to listen to endless I told you so .
Then this woman seeing me all going teary eyed bends down at tells husband tell your younger sister she cant carry so much weight next time .
See now this is good they think you are little sister but your are an aunty wannabe.
Then the woman got up she was a whole foot bigger than me .Then i realise from where she was I was not aunty material in this whole life span of mine. She was technically Aunty for me

Kosu Kadi to Kosu Adi

One new invention that will not make it to Times best inventions of 2009 is Hunter Mosquito bat. A neat little tennis bat that kills mosquitoes with a gentle touch .
I chanced upon this and bought it. See chennai Kosu are the original CSK. Chennai Super Kosu.We all started with Tortoise kolithingal kosu kollingal to All out good night and various contraption but our chennai kosu very much like their buffalo counter parts develop a thick skin. Many times they would do a pradashnam of the sanctum sanctorium of the all out machine and come straight for us . In the night we would wake up trying to kill this blood thirsty intruder. We put mosquito nets but still one kosu would troop in. So out came HUnter. My mom and me were the first to test it. Every morning we would take it out and kill kosu along with Kaapi and paper. After some time eee adikarthu took on a new bloody purpose. We killed mosquito in flight. Sometimes we would use a little flesh to bait the stinger and then go kachak. Then my husband discovered it. He is an intelligent man. He would discover flight paths and hit the bat at the intersection of different flight paths to improve his mpm score (mosquito per minute score) . After fighting over the remote now we have a hunter fight. See there is a mosquito on the bed get Hunter. No the mosquito in my room seems more eager. So now we own one hunter per head in our house.
At night I keep hunter next to my pillow to get any zzing kosus . Soon I was dreaming of the day when I will be rich enough to get Roger Federer to kill my kosus . With his grace and ballet like movements the Madras kosu will be hypnotized and just come and die . Of course in rainy season we would need Nadal to power kill the kadi rajas
Now I decided to give Hunter to my MIl. She was apprehensive of this bat . But one afternoon while my FIl slept. MIl scanned his body with kosu bat and killed an electrifying number of kosus . Imagine like Lord Visnu and Lakshmi. Only a kosu bat wielding one. So much so my FIl thought someone was bursting crackers. My MIl has a neat technique . She sways the bat more like Bheema´s mace and kills an amazing 30 mpm. After the first few weeks of this record kosus have now understood that MIl armed is Kosu harmed . So now they stay clear. Now we are all trying to get some kosus back just to singe them...
ON that note ... my Mil and me had this philosophical debate whether killing kosus like this would get Chitragupta to heavily put us on karma debit. But at this time in came one CSK everyone charged for HUnter and instant nirvana was attained .Of course the ones who couldnt reach out for Hunter kept complaining of how their technique to kill the kosu would have been better. Naan oru theram hunter adicha nooru theram adikramadri... cooed the HUnter super hero
Sorry but sometime kosu adikarthe can be serious hunting....

WHO AM I

I go by the name Aruna . I was Aruna Ananth and mainly everyone wrote me as Aruna Anand . Like a prophecy I married and did become Aruna Anand. Then we travelled abroad and realized no one knew who I was . Ok my husband is Viswanathan Anand . His name is Anand . Many thought I was Mrs. Viswanathan. This family name , given name thing is most confusing. Then I decided to call toll free numbers and order services on phone. Like my husband noted with a phone in hand I was like a grenade with a pin pulled off . The lady on the other side always insists on knowing my name so that in her words Address me personally . Ok I say I am Aruna , first surname Anand , second surname sorry we dont do that. She blinks.OGood morning Mrs. Ananda. Makes me feel like I am a yogi with a free spirit or a Ibiza high flyer with flowy clouds and chill out music. No I am just a harassed woman wanting to cancel a highly dubious service plan . Then it gets better in the good old days we used to buy air tickets by phone. Always when it came to my husband´s family name I had to take a deep breath. Family name . I would say Viswanathan . The poor Foreign call center ladies would sometimes giggle and I have to count till ten not to explode . Or I would say let me Spell it out for you...and here it goes Valencia Inglateraa, Suiza , Washington, Albacete Navara Albacete Toledo Huesca Albacete Navara ! Try it sometime it does wonders for your lung capacity . Now at what speed do I do this . At a word per second the poor things eyes are zooming all over the map of spain , europe and the world. Even better are the letters we get. One spectacular credit card company sends us mail to Mr. Viswatintin . The other is Vismanat and it gets funnier. My dad once had the issue in chennai when he called a toll free number and he said he is from neelankarai . He got a parcel to Mr. Neelankar. We remember the Delhi news readers who would fumble Tamizhkudimagan and Nedunchezhyan . Nowadays I call myself Mrs. Vishy . Say my family has just one family name which we have not figured out too. Since many confuse Anand and Viswanathan perennially . My mom in law gets called Mrs Anand and vice versa .
Well most of you are thinking why cant I just be Aruna ? Why do I need a family name. Brace yourself for this . In some places I get introduced as Aruba . I was so polite and shocked not to insult my host I kept quiet. But my inner voice which is generally louder than my outer high pitched alter ego lept out Why am I called Aruba. And the posh lady replied didnt your parents conceive you in Aruba . You see like Brooklyn, Apple , New York here I come ... Aruba. Cant really imagine my mom though sitting coyly in Aruba , knowing her she will say when we have a beach in chennai why na you want to go to Aruba. Take a flight , pack .. food , climate... well maybe thats why I was born in Chennai .

Just coming madam...

See I went from Madras to Madrid and many people thought it had a poetic ring to it. It was destiny you come from madras and move to madrid How can Mad be anything poetic . In Madrid you understand Mañana can mean today , tomorrow , next month or never . Right there it finsihes . They have no intention of coming you have no expectation they will . If and when they do you know every minute they are there it costs you a lot of money so you tolerate broken taps , washing machine that moves front and back while washing clothes. a drier that spews hot air into the room rather than on your clothes and the list grows... In Madras they never say anything as vague as tomorrow , it is always time specific ... madam we are just coming... that means hope unlimited .
I once ordered a dish washer and waited for its arrival. The man was to come at 12 . At around 12.45 I called Sar where are you... madam I am just coming... Ok . So how long is just coming ... say ten minutes ok make that thirty . Ok I wait thiry minutes and ten seconds... and call Sar engai sar . madam you just put phone down madam and I am coming only. OK I put phone down that takes what thirty seconds ... and then rush to door ... but where is my man. So I call again but now I dont get through . I get ring tone playing ... Naan Parthathile Aval oruthiya than nalla azhagi enben!! Ok I hang up ... I try again after ten seconds Now I get Ring tone 2 hey nakka muka nakka maukka Adradra Nakku Mukku Nakku Mukku Nakku Mukku Adradra Nakku Mukku Nakku Mukku Nakku Mukku and loop 1 loop 2 loop3 . Ok I go to kitchen splash cold water think I hear door bell and run out... but no dishwasher sar has not made his hero appearance . So I dial.... sar picks up ... I hear heavy traffic then dishwasher sar gets all scrambled and I ask sar ningu enga sar irrikengu ... madam on the way .. OK I am not hanging up smart guy .. Where are you... madam I am in perambur madam and I am just coming ... Yes can you tell me how are you planning this just coming .... you see sar I was not born yesterday.. I have been in respectable 29 C bus . I know that perambur is far from mylapore for you to be just coming. Madam dont get angry madam I will be there . I will be there by today evening latest. What do you mean latest 12 was to be latest.
Madam you see today I am only man on duty for area 3 and area 5 so I have to attend area 3 first as this is under A1 S2 Zone and then..what are you saying A1 S2 ennai ya suma number solra . You see sar now becomes ennaiya ... that is chennai lingo you always start smooth and end up in auto rickshaw lingo. meter plus 2 rs .

Now dishwasher sar is becoming very intelligent madam i am only employee you speak to my boss. Who is your boss - Shivaji the boss or Bruce Sprinsteen the boss . Ok I dont tell this to dishwasher sar I am madam I cant be so rude. So I get boss number . OK here it goes . I get Boss ring tone first . Boss is very Boss so you get special english music . I want to break free. trust me I want to break free and break someone´s head before I do . So Boss picks up . This Is Boss speaking how can I help you . So I start speaking A voice interrupts Press 1 for machine press 2 for powder press 3 for status press 4 go to hell . Ok press 3 woman comes on line can I speak to boss. No No he is Boss madam you speak to me. So who are you I am boss sidekick . Ok ms. sidekick I am waiting for my dishwasher name madam . yes name model number Z 12546 Ok order number XCV65789 See all these number jumbo stuff is to make you quit . so after all this side kick says i will need to place you on hold . Ok I wait then music comes on We at take your patience company value your time . we provide gadgets for the modern woman . a woman who takes pride in the sparkling glasses . In a nutshell a sari wearing bat woman who scales corporate peaks and is always home before husband with hot pakodas and steaming tea and gives cunning look to gadgets. Ok sidekick is back. sorry to have kept you waiting madam ok apology accepted . madam your file number shows that there has been a error processing request so we will need to re process your enquiry and send it to our warehouse . What so how long does this all take . we cant guarantee madam but maybe a week .
What there is a dishwasher of mine running the streets of Perambur and you say error processing. Give me your boss . I dont want to speak to sidekicks. So sidekick first acts all english and mighty . so i decide gloves off see i have been waiting the whole morning for this wonder gadget your guy tells me he is just coming and you say error processing give me your boss since you are not whom i want to speak. sidekick mutters in tamil Yaaru munjila muzhitheno . amen to that
so boss comes on line . boss is major suave madam i see you have a problem . we at take your patience look at solving all problem. we dont say problem we say we see a solution. ok mister cut the crap . I have been to marketing seminars ,so boss makes deep noise and has no idea what the problem is . so i say I give you ten minutes i want to know where my dishwasher is or you know i am calling people in high places. See i dont know anyone in high places but this works especially when you speak very firmly . sidekick immediately says madam your request has been processed and dishwasher will be there in ... as i see it it is crossing kilpauk.
was that meant to be funny
ok kilpauk so i call dishwasher sar .. sar enna sar yen time nallairruka rahukalam kuda aydathau . no madam i am on kilpauk bridge.
what wonderful .
So wonder gadget arrives at 20.00. Poor dishwasher sar comes and says madam boss said high priority , good . he puts the whole gadget everything fine but he has no tube to plug. I say what but sar this is dishwasher you need plug. Yes madam but since it was high priority we only bought machine. by know i am tired i cant take one more ring tone I say please leave.

Next day i am woken up by dishwasher sar he says madam today first visit is your house . oh wont you call before coming I am still in my negligee on which i have put kurta and dupatta . ok these are private thoughts. So all working .Dishwasher sar insists that i try all features. jacuzzi for expensive glass , care program, heavy duty scrub , sensitive spray .massage back rub for bone china .ok madam would you want to sign for AMC. we service free of charge . What one more call ten more ringtones . no sar i have one ring tone for you sodanai mel sodanai porum... . On that note we part as friends .
my dishwasher sar, anda daat buut kathra madam (myself), we know if we were to meet we would be happy to see each other as long as there is no ring tone seperating us

Bring back the birds and the bees

dedicated to All of us who were brought up on a strict diet of Doordarshan , Black and White Tv´s and antenna´s that were used to measure height rather than change channels. please read on... How we enjoyed kanmani poonga with its cheap cut trees with children in bright ribbons holding on to it while the DD camera caught one teacher amma giving instructions ... and by the way on that subject we all remember this science program where the master would write on a blackboard which made the screeching sound and then took a tv antenna and then a cauliflower from his mrs´shopping bag and explained to us what the brain looked like. for many years i thought cauliflower was seriously brain food the highlight of one´s life was oliyum oliyum. It meant the end of more week of going to school, oiling your hair , putting your hair in double plaits , feigning stomach ache . I remember when we moved on from sridevi´s thunder thighs to amla´s leotard act in agni nakshatram. how many of us wanted to be courted by Karthik while he danced in egmore station. how we thought we were hep when we crooned something something or mottai madi... mottai madi ... oru love jodi . for many of us that was when we heard of the bird and bee concept lip locking... adrenaline rising etc...
But who can forget the sunday tamil movie. it was the moment when i would have an emotional turmoil. the first half of the movie you always enjoyed . after a nice sunday lunch when amma would bring out tarla dalal´s delights of vegetarian cooking and try to surprise us one more time from the dog eared pages that were our only windows to gourmet cuisines. then chennaiites didnt have kefi´s and azulaias and we didnt know gazpacho was a cold soup.... we liked continental food ... that meant anything with white sauce that contained garam masala and amul cheese.
ok back to the movie...
i used to enjoy nibbling on sunday´s left over lunch, some ice cream and entertain my family. see i used to speak so much that i sometimes had the feeling my mom used to send me to school so that her ears could get some rest. in those days tv didnt have so many ads also . you had the government ads. We two ours two. use mala D ,
tips on fertilizers ... would fill the ad space. until liril came along and showed us that women can imagine bathing in biknis under a waterfall while the whole family stood outside to use the loo.
while the ads ran always my mom would ask me have you done your home work .... my first response was always immediate... yes ma all done. packed school bag also. as the movie was reaching its climax amma would start putting the dinner .... and then appa would ask chellam paavum school tommorow. see appa was easy to handle , a few crocodile tears , appa i am your chellam no... and that was enough. amma was tough and still is . then comes anna he was the toughest nut to crack .
he would come down just as the hero and heroine would be in the swiss alps and rollicking about. hero in tight jeans and leather coat and heroine in naidu hall bustier that would make the jungfrau fail in front of these two peaks ....
then illayaraja´s tunes would fill the screen .... her pallu will caress his face ... his lips would get wet ... then as a thirteen year old you are contemplating whether you should continue seeing and appa and amma are nervously shuffling feet and talking about rising price of tomatoes ... a huge flower comes into the screen. since those days we never had the fear of the someone changing channels you knew you were still watching. big flower is still swaying , big bee comes into screen . it jumps on flower and sucks on all parts of the flower... see since in biology we learnt parts of the flower... i thought hey this was education after bee sucks ,it feels tired and flowers closes ... heroine is back now crumpled clothes and disheveled hair.. hero looks triumphant they hold hands and run into alps... two love birds come on screen and twitter away ( not twat or twitted just bird la la)
by the time this flora and fauna chapter finishes i suddenly remember biology home work not done hindi not even close ... maths oh god anna should not come to know ... english that i can fib... while villain is chasing hero and police is getting their bellies into an old van to chase this super villain in an aircraft and hero has only one horse ... i decide to go upstairs and face monday morning. one week of brid and bee education... have to wait for next week unless it is ramzan week or christmas or goklastami or navratri where sivaji ganesan every year without fail would come in 9 roles .doordarshan had a movie for every festival and never failed us
that was one helluva education. not like the bipasha basu telling us sex is good and priyanka chopra showing her cellulite free legs or kareena kapoor showing us size zero. give me my techni colour tamil movies with bouffant hair and harem pants and yes the birds and the bees ...they are so much better than discussing did they do it or didnt they....